Day 1. Into the Unknown
Vocation Discernment Preliminary Novena
“Am I Ready for Discernment?”
The same night [Jacob] got up and took his two wives, his two maids, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that he had. Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day is breaking.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go, unless you bless me.” So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then the man said, “You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with humans, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying,“For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life is preserved.”
Genesis 32:22-30 NRSV
Sometimes your whole life boils down to one insane move.
Jake Sully, Avatar
“I have no idea.” That’s the answer.
“What is God’s will for my life?” That’s the question.
Like Jacob, we begin in the dark. It is nighttime in the passage we’ll use as a meditation for the nine days of this Pre-Novena. Let me set the stage.
Jacob is on his way to meet his twin brother, Esau, but this will be no happy family reunion. Twenty years have elapsed since Jacob stole his elder brother’s birthright by deceiving their father Isaac. You may recall the story. Though Esau was only minutes older than his twin, this was enough to secure his place as the privileged firstborn. Throughout his life, Jacob connived to claim Esau’s birthright. Finally, while his brother was out hunting, Jacob dressed in Esau’s clothing and put lamb’s wool on his arm to trick his blind and dying father into giving him, rather than Esau, his final blessing. Such a blessing entitled Jacob to be the primary inheritor of the family’s wealth, and once given, it could not be revoked.
“To appreciate the point of the…story, it should be remembered that, according to the ancient belief, words spoken in blessing (or curse) were efficacious. They had the power to produce the intended result. And, like an arrow in flight, they could not be retracted. So Jacob, having received his father's blessing, was destined to gain preeminence over Esau…”[1]
As soon as Jacob had received the blessing, he fled and stayed in exile with distant relatives. In the passage above, word has reached Jacob that his brother is on the march with a large army, and the trickster finally realizes that the game is over. He has to face up to his brother. He does not know if he will live to see another sunset.
This is a moment of extreme crisis. And Jacob appears to want to clear out everything so that he can prepare for what tomorrow’s meeting will bring. He sends all his earthly possessions, his family, and his flocks across the river. Alone he remains in the darkness of night lying on the bank.
Like Jacob, you weigh your own life carefully. Together you face a decisive reckoning. For him, facing up to his past. For you, facing up to your future.
Darkness can be a disconcerting thing. Have you ever been alone in a completely dark and isolated place? What did you experience? Fear? Loneliness? An intense desire to be somewhere, anywhere else? I suppose it’s natural. We really don’t like the dark. Darkness is the hiding place of scary things: our fears and insecurities.
Yet darkness can have another dimension, a more hopeful dimension. Darkness is the precursor of light. To put it another way, darkness gives way to light. Therefore, darkness in this sense is filled with possibilities and promise. It conceals rather than isolates. It awaits the right moment to reveal its secrets. The word I want to consider here is mystery. Darkness is the necessary pre-condition for mystery. Not darkness as in the absence of physical light. Darkness as in the absence of full knowledge.
In this regard, you are in the dark about what God wants for your life. And you want answers. If you’re like me, you don’t have much patience with mystery. (Do you peek at the end of the novel to find out whodunnit?) Especially with big questions, life questions. “Lord, I want to know my future…NOW!” We have very little time for darkness. Ninety-nine days seems an awful long time to be praying about a vocation. So can’t we just cut to the chase? Get to the point?
Why do we dislike being in the dark? Let’s be honest. As I said before, fear is a big part of it. I’m afraid of what lies hidden in the dark. I’m afraid of the “what-ifs”: What if God asks me to do something I don’t want to do? What if I can’t do what he wants me to do? What if I’m not happy with his will? What if I think I’m following him but instead I make a terrible mistake? What if I one day decide I don’t want this vocation anymore? What if I end up lonely or empty or unhappy?
It’s good to admit our fears. It’s important, however, to let God reassure us on these essential points:
God will not ask you to do anything without giving you the desire to do it.
God’s desire for you is that you be totally fulfilled and reach true happiness with him in everlasting life. Of course he wants you to be joyful and satisfied with your vocation, even if there are some aspects that are difficult before we reach the end.
If you approach this process with honesty, it would be difficult to make a serious error in your decision.
God is faithful. He will never give you a calling without also providing the means to live it out totally -- he will give you what it takes to go the distance.
So relax. In fact, enjoy! This is the only life you’ve got, and the process of discovering God’s particular plan for you, along with your own gifts and hidden abilities, should be a uniquely wonderful experience.
Don’t flee from mystery. Embrace it – or at least try to get as comfortable as you can with not knowing. Await the dawn with confidence. You can afford to be much more optimistic than poor Jacob. He awaits a settling of accounts with his angry brother. You await the unfolding of God’s perfect plan for your life. Yet both of you find yourselves at a crossroads and in the dark. What will the morning bring, I wonder?
Novena Prayer
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude, © Abbey of Gethsemani
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
EXAMINE MY HEART
1. What do I want to know?
I try to put in words the question I wish to answer in this 99 Day Novena.
What are my fears, concerns and anxieties? I’ll be as honest as I can in writing these.
How has God made his will known to me in the past? Can I think of examples? Or have I always felt as though I was in the dark?
Do I make a habit of listening to God for daily guidance? If not, how would I go about getting into the habit?
A QUOTE TO NOTE
2. On Daily Discernment from Pope Francis
Pope Francis, in an interview he gave only a few months after becoming pope, offered an explanation of discernment that applies well to our topic in these 99 days. Reading the following quote with a prayerful spirit, I underline the things that speak to me.
…this is the time of discernment…. Discernment is always done in the presence of the Lord, looking at the signs, listening to the things that happen, the feeling of the people, especially the poor. My choices, including those related to the day-to-day aspects of life, like the use of a modest car, are related to a spiritual discernment that responds to a need that arises from looking at things, at people and from reading the signs of the times.
“But I am always wary of decisions made hastily. I am always wary of the first decision, that is, the first thing that comes to my mind if I have to make a decision. This is usually the wrong thing. I have to wait and assess, looking deep into myself, taking the necessary time. The wisdom of discernment redeems the necessary ambiguity of life and helps us find the most appropriate means, which do not always coincide with what looks great and strong” [2].
Do I pay attention to what God is doing in my daily life? On a scale from one to ten, with one being “not at all” and ten being “almost always,” how much do I reflect on what God is doing on a daily basis?
What are three ways I can become more discerning in my daily life? How will I make sure I do them today?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Avatar, 20th Century Fox, 2009 motion picture
[1] Understanding the Old Testament, third edition, Bernhard W. Anderson, Prof. of Old Testament Theology, Princeton Theological Seminary, Prentice-Hall, Inc. Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1975 p.222
[2] “A Big Heart Open to God, Interview with Pope Francis,” America Magazine, September 30, 2013 with Antonio Spadaro, S.J.