Day 21. Leeches and Sinkholes and Weeds (Oh My!)
You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can’t fool me … I know you play like you’re the meanest and the hardest, but actually you’re the most scared of all … and you push away anyone who’s willing to put up with you because just a little bit of love reminds you how big and empty that hole inside you actually is. … I know who you are boy because you’re me.
Yondu to Rocket, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
How do you respond to criticism? I don’t take it very well. I think I am improving, but there have been times in my life when I spent days or even weeks brooding over some critical comment someone made that I thought was unfair. In hindsight it seems crazy, but at the time I couldn’t shake my anger at the perceived injustice. A negative emotional reaction, right? Having reflected on the significance of our emotional reactions, what might I conclude from my own behavior? Do I rest my Sense of Self on the conviction that I am not subject to criticism? Do I secretly believe deep down that I do everything right and need no one to tell me otherwise? Maybe so. In fact there may be a lot of that sand in my foundations, but I think there is something else going on with this particular emotional reaction. It has to do with weeds.
Once when I described the allegory of the Table to a group of students, an attractive young woman came to me afterwards and pointed to the Sense of Self pillar. “I don’t have that one. I have no sense of who I am or what I’m here for,” she observed. As I have reflected on what she said, it seems to me that her comments were extremely honest and perceptive although they were not entirely accurate. If it is possible to lose one’s Sense of Self, I’m fairly certain that it is rare. We may place it in sand or even in quicksand but we almost always keep some small measure of our Sense of Self. To lose it completely would indicate an extreme form of mental illness.
Instead, I think that the pillar that is our Sense of Self is encircled by a vine that constricts and chokes out our true identity and the awareness we have of our gifts and abilities. I call it the “I’m Worthless” Weed. It is rooted in the sand at the base of the pillar and at times becomes so thick and tangled around our Sense of Self that the table actually rests on the vine rather than on the pillar! Whenever this happens, we are overcome with a sadness and a deep, inescapable sense of our own worthlessness. “I am nobody. I’ll never amount to anything,” we may say at these times. Some people live their lives in almost constant sadness because of the “I’m Worthless” Weed.
I think this Weed makes criticism so painful. The particular statement made against me may be fair, balanced and accurate, but my reaction is not entirely against the criticism. Rather the pressure of the “I’m Worthless” Weed forces itself in on my consciousness at these times and inserts this thought: “The reason I failed in such-and-such is that I am a failure. I am a worthless human being, and I cannot do anything right.” I may take these thoughts to be my own, but often I also blame the person who criticized me -- even though there is nothing to indicate that they think of me as worthless. And so I ask myself, “Where does that loser get off thinking I’m incompetent?” I call to mind all the perceived failures of my critical friend and console myself that they are far worse than I am. Does this sound familiar? If not, you are very blessed. If so, take heart. There is healing to be found in abundance.
As you may have guessed, it is not only our Sense of Self that is afflicted. The pillar that is our Source of Love is also entangled but not with a vine. Instead, we discover something coiled around our Source of Love that is shiny black and serpentine in form. This is the “I’m Unlovable” Leech. Its head plunges below the sand and attaches itself to the base of the pillar. From there it sucks the lifeblood out of all your relationships. Do you know someone who can’t seem to keep a good relationship? Just when he/she begins to get close to someone, he/she pushes them away or shuts them out. Do you do this? Do you begin to abuse those who try to get close to you so that they will come no closer? Are you afraid of intimacy with anybody and everybody? You may be afflicted by the “I’m Unlovable” Leech. When relationships end, the Leech is most active. That’s when thoughts like these arise: “The reason so-and-so isn’t around anymore is that I’m just unlovable. No one loves me and no one wants to love me. I’m just pathetic.” Strange how both the Leech and the Weed speak to us in the first person. Whom do you suppose is speaking through them? (Hint: it isn’t you and it isn’t God...)
Finally, the third pillar is similarly embattled. Our Hope of Happiness is undermined at its base by a giant sinkhole that opens up from time to time. The “It’s Pointless” Pit sucks down our dreams, our hopes and our ambitions. It leaves us feeling lost and unmotivated. All the great plans we have suddenly become worthless illusions. “What’s the use?” we suddenly say; “nothing will come of it no matter how hard I try.”
By now you may have noticed something interesting about our inner life. We have no problem holding completely contradictory opinions about ourselves! I can believe with equal certainty and at the same time that I am above criticism and that I’m worthless and incompetent. Recognizing such inconsistencies is important. It begins to give us a means of diagnosing problems and repairing our self-image.
That’s encouraging because the allegory of the three legged table has so far painted a fairly grim picture. Take heart. Things are about to improve.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Pier Giorgio responds: Our life, in order to be Christian, has to be a continual renunciation, a continual sacrifice. But this is not difficult, if one thinks what these few years passed in suffering are, compared with eternal happiness where joy will have no measure or end, and where we shall have unimaginable peace.
Let us pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, teach me that I must be able to mourn if I will be able to rejoice. Show me how to face my sorrow, and not avoid it or pretend that it does not exist. Help me to enter into any present sorrow, so that my soul can empty itself and be filled with God’s peace.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is our Consoler, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask the Father to enable you to see yourself in his eyes, with his loving gaze).
A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
EXAMINE MY HEART
1. I’ll Be the Judge of That!
What do all these statements have in common?
I’m a total loser.
I am so clever!
Check me out, I’m the best!
I can’t do anything right.
I’ll never amount to anything.
I’m a nobody.
People envy me; everybody wants to be like me.
I hate myself.
I am so hot! How did I get so good looking?
I’m an evil person; God could never forgive me.
Someday people will admire my true genius.
Nobody will ever fall in love with me.
Check which of these have passed through my mind as thoughts about myself (nobody will see this but me).
Notice a pattern? In all of the statements above, I am the judge. Whether I exalt me or condemn me, it’s me who’s doing the judging. Is there anything wrong with this picture? What?
BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE
2. Judge for Yourself: Who’s Better at This?
Who? According to the following passages, who is the only judge who can judge me rightly?
Psalm 75:7, 8 - How so?
Matthew 7:1, 2 - Why so?
1 Corinthians 4:3-5 - What other judges does that eliminate?
Exodus 34:6-7 - When God describes himself as judge, what quality does he emphasize most about himself?
What? What does God say in judgment of me?
Genesis 1:31 God declares that all he has made (including me) is:
John 8:9-11 Jesus does not:
John 12:47 Jesus comes to do what for me:
John 15:14-17 Jesus calls me: ______ if I ______ .
Why? Based on my Bible study, why do I think so many people prefer their own self-judgment to God’s?
Who’s judgment is more fair?
Who’s is more kind?
Who’s is more consistent?
3. Ponder it a bit.
Read the following passage.
Early in the morning [Jesus] arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them. “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and from now on do not sin any more.” John 8:2-11, NAB
How is my self-condemnation similar to the way the Pharisees treat the woman caught in sin? Do I inwardly throw stones of self-reproach when I recognize my own failures?
What can I learn from Jesus here?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, dir. by James Gunn, Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, 2017