Day 35. Why Do I Keep Sinning?
Quite an experience to live in fear, isn’t it? That’s what it is to be a slave.
Roy Batty, Blade Runner
We have two final areas of self-knowledge to examine. They are our Habits of Sin and our History of Hurts. Both can be found at or above our Level of Awareness and so we return in our imagination to the great stone pavement that is the surface of our lives. When we first explored this tabletop, I mentioned that there is a warm, diffused light that shines on the surface even while the harsh landscape around you is shrouded in night’s darkness. As you look up, you see overhead a marvelous canopy of stars and in the midst of the stars there is a perfectly formed full moon.
The moon is Mary, the mother of Our Lord. Like the moon which bathes the night in light from the sun, Mary reflects the light of Christ so purely and perfectly that she illuminates even the darkest night. St. Louis DeMontefort says that if we find the light of Christ too bright, we can look at Mary and see that same light through her. The source of light is still Jesus, but she reflects him in a way that doesn’t overwhelm our senses.
You may not know Mary very well. Maybe you know about her, but don’t really know her. I hope that you will begin to see that she is a great friend to those who seek self-knowledge in order to offer self-gift. She is gentle, kind and patient in instructing us in the ways of the Spirit. She who taught the child Jesus how to walk will hold our hands as we take these first stumbling, uncertain steps in self-understanding. Adrienne Von Speyr, a noted Catholic mystic, once said of Mary, “She is there, invisible, on the path of all those who are converted. Not only in the sense that she intercedes for the seeker, but because she smoothes his path and points to the simple way in” [1]. Mary’s love, which is a perfect reflection of the love of Christ, will give us confidence as we now turn our attention to the most difficult dimensions of our inner life. Mary, our mother, pray for us as we seek to understand our sins and our hurts.
Now look down. Turn your gaze from the sky above to the surface on which you stand. It appears at first glance to be solid stone. Look more closely. You’ll see that there are many cracks in the tabletop. This is disturbing! It’s bad enough, isn’t it, that your foundations are often shaken by trials, but now you see that your tabletop is also crumbling! These cracks are your sins. Every time you disobey God, a crack appears in the stone pavement. The greater the sin, the greater the crack. Small sins, carelessly or unknowingly committed, make for small cracks. Great sins, knowingly and deliberately committed, make for great cracks. Habitual sins, committed continually, create crevices in your tabletop – crevices into which you fall; crevices you find it hard to climb out of.
It may come as a surprise to some that sins are not all created equal. It may also be surprising to learn there is no such thing as an insignificant sin. All sins have consequences. Little sins beget big sins. Big sins beget habitual sins. Habitual sins unresisted become a tomb. Sin, by definition, is an offense against God. The Church teaches that, “Sin is an offense against reason, truth, and right conscience; it is failure in genuine love for God and neighbor caused by a perverse attachment (there’s that word again) to certain goods. It wounds the nature of man and injures human solidarity. It has been defined as ‘an utterance, a deed, or a desire contrary to the eternal law’” [2].
To learn more about specific sins and their consequences, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, available online or at any major bookstore, is the best place to start. Become familiar with Part 3 “Life in Christ” and make it a point to read and understand the descriptions of mortal and venial sins at the beginning of that section. A quick skim or a vague memory of what you learned in confirmation class won’t be enough. Awareness of the distinctions between types of sin and their gravity is a good start, but it’s essential to grasp these matters more deeply as we sharpen our consciences and examine our choices.
Very few young people, in my experience, are much concerned about offending God with their actions. Religious instruction has swung so far away from teaching about God’s judgment that most give no thought to the eternal implications of grave sin chosen deliberately and with full knowledge. Many older Catholics in the United States remember a time when sin was preached against so strongly that God appeared to the faithful only as an angry and merciless judge. That was a great tragedy. But it is no less a tragedy that God is now presented to Catholics as something of a cross between Santa Claus and a kindly grandfather. It seems that we can sin no more because nothing offends God anymore.
We must, I believe, come to a more responsible balance between understanding God’s justice – his judgment, his hatred of sin, his call to total holiness – and God’s mercy – his patience with our weakness, his love for sinners, his desire to set us free.
Freedom. That’s the issue. It comes up again and again in this allegory. Again we recall that freedom is not license, is not the ability to choose without consequences or responsibility. Freedom is the ability to choose the good without the encumbrance of sin and its consequences. Here’s an example of the way sin destroys freedom.
Tom has a favorite sexual sin. From an early age he has known exactly where online to find pornography. Whenever he’s lonely or bored, he’ll go to his room and start browsing porn sites. He likes the feeling it gives him to look at these images. He feels good about himself, in control, “free.” Porn has always been Tom’s own private sin, his one secret indulgence in an otherwise exemplary Catholic life. Nobody knows – his parents, his friends, nobody. He has only once mentioned it in confession – and he greatly understated the extent of the habit. Whenever his conscience bothers him, Tom simply says, “I’m a good Catholic, not as bad as others, and besides, everybody has at least one fault. Besides, it’s not like I’m hurting anybody.”
Tom’s dream is to have a good family. He hopes to find a loving wife and he wants to have many children. Trouble is Tom can’t keep a stable relationship with a woman. It seems like every dating relationship starts out great, but ends unexpectedly after only a few weeks. “What’s wrong?” Tom wonders.
Tom is trapped in a sinful habit that is destroying the possibility of the good family he dreams of. Through the practice of looking at pornography, Tom has unknowingly trained himself to think of women as things, “tools for pleasure,” rather than as persons worthy of respect. Tom doesn’t see this. The women he dates see it almost immediately. From their perspective, Tom shows very little concern for them. He doesn’t really listen or express genuine warmth, so they quickly lose interest.
If Tom doesn’t repent of the sin of looking at pornography, he will not be “free” to live out his dream of having a good family. That’s the irony and the deception. Sin makes us feel free, even while it gradually chokes out the very thing it seems to bring.
It bears repeating: freedom is the ability to accomplish the full goodness of which we are capable. Freedom’s greatest expression is found in self-gift; in making a total gift of oneself to another person. That is the direction this Novena is leading. You will not be fully free until you are fully giving of yourself, until you have died to selfishness and sinfulness. It’s another irony – but this one is a blessed irony. In dying to self we receive life and joy and freedom. Who would have thought it? If Jesus had not himself spoken this truth, and demonstrated it on the cross, we would never have imagined it.
Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat
falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat;
but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates
his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.
John 12:24, 25
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
Pier Giorgio responds: With violence you sow hatred, and you harvest its bad fruits. With charity, you sow peace among men – not the peace that the world gives, but the true peace that only faith in Jesus Christ can give us in common brotherhood.
Let us pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, guide me in claiming my rightful inheritance as a child of God and heir of His Kingdom. Show me, by your own example, how to be slow to anger, and gentle in my dealings with others. Help me to show forth the peace of Christ by speaking words of peace, and by living a life of peace.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is meek and humble of heart, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask for the Lord to lead you into greater freedom and self knowledge)
A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
EXAMINE MY HEART
1. What are my Habits of Sin?
Most of us have patterns of sin and weakness, but we’ve never stopped to really examine them. If we’re faithful to the sacrament of reconciliation, we probably know them well – they’re usually the top items on our list! To recognize habitual sins, first, I reflect on the sins I find myself falling into most often. I’ll be as honest with myself as I can (nobody else has to read this). I write down whatever habits of sin and weakness come to mind.
Here are a few of the kinds of sins that become habitual…
Pornography – viewing images or other media for the purpose of sexual arousal.
Over-eating – eating when I don’t need to or more than I need to.
Masturbation – deliberate, sexual self-stimulation of the genitals.
Sex outside of marriage – intercourse, oral sex or any kind of person-to-person sexual stimulation done for the purpose of arousal or reaching climax.
Hooking up - Sex or physical intimacy (heavy kissing, body contact intended to arouse passion) without commitments.
Relationship dependency- When we can’t or won’t break up, keep falling into sexual sin, and regularly reconnect despite promising to part ways.
Gossip – Telling the bad things others have done to people who have no right to know…even when it’s true!
Speaking negatively about others – Using put-downs, insults, degrading speech, misleading statements or unflattering posts about others.
Drunkenness – Abusing alcohol to the point where my judgment or behavior is impaired – like when I start saying things I don’t ordinarily say and doing things I don’t ordinarily do.
Abusing drugs – Inhaling, ingesting or shooting into my body substances intended to alter my consciousness or distort my perceptions for no necessary or medicinal purpose.
Vanity – being the center of attention, seeking recognition excessively or constantly, obsessing over image or appearance or followers and likes on social media.
Here are some habits that can be sinful if we do them excessively.
Video gaming
Gambling
Shopping
Overspending/poor debt management
Partying
Other.
Has it become an addiction? If I’m not sure, I can ask myself these questions:
Does my life feel like it’s getting out of control?
Has this habit cost me friends and the respect of loved ones?
Am I afraid to talk to a counselor or spiritual guide?
Do I omit this sin or greatly understate it in confession?
Do any of these significantly damage my ability to fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my job and/or my school work?
If yes, what damage have I noticed? What damage is likely if I don’t change?
GOING DEEP
2. Strategize with a Saint
The saints teach us how to overcome persistent sins. The following tips for fighting temptation come from St. Francis De Sales:
Resist the small, petty temptations as well as the big ones. Temptations to anger, suspicion, jealousy, envy, flirtatious behavior, frivolity, vanity, inappropriate affection, craftiness, and evil thoughts attack everyone, “even the most devout and resolute.” They must be resisted.
Don’t “dialogue” with the temptation but perform some contrary act of virtue. “So also when a devout soul sees itself attacked by temptation, it must not lose time in argument or discussion but with all simplicity turn toward Jesus Christ, its spouse, and affirm again its fidelity to him and its desire to be solely and entirely his forever.”
Bring the temptation out into the light with your spiritual director or mature spiritual friend. “The sovereign remedy against all temptation, whether great or small, is to open your heart and express its suggestions, feelings and affections to your director.”
Just say no! “If temptation continues to harass and persecute us after all this, there is nothing further to do on our part but to remain steadfast in our protestations never to consent to it. Just as girls can never be married as long as they say no, so too a soul thought tempted can never sin as long as it says no.”
Run to the cross. The best remedy when being tempted after we reject it is to run to the Cross of Christ and ask for help. “Moreover, this is so terrifying to the evil spirit that as soon as he sees that his temptations urge us on to God’s love he ceases to tempt us.”
Which of these do I need to work harder at doing?
BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE
3. My Lies and God’s Replies
God’s Word Answers My Excuses. Bible Passages to Learn in Fighting Temptation
My struggle against sin starts in the mind. I have countless lies I tell myself that keep me from putting up a serious fight against temptation OR from relying on God’s help. The following are common excuses I might fall back on when I’m tempted or after I’ve fallen into sin. Look up the passage and write out God’s answer to these rationalizations.
My Lie: “I don’t stress about my sinful habits. God is merciful.”
God’s Reply: Sirach 5:5-9
My Lie: “Nobody’s perfect. Everybody has their one weakness. This is mine and I can live with it.”
God’s Reply: James 4:7-8
My Lie: (in time of temptation): “Why should I pray or ask for God’s help? He never answers. God isn’t going to help me.”
God’s Reply: Isaiah 49:15, 16 and 1 Peter 1:6, 7
My Lie: (in time of temptation): “It doesn’t matter how long I resist, sooner or later I’ll cave in.”
God’s Reply: 1 Cor. 10:13
My Lie: (when I’ve fallen): “Sin wins again. It’s over. I’ve already given in. Why fight it now?”
God’s Reply: Micah 7:8
My Lie: (when I’ve fallen): “I’m too sinful. God could never forgive me.”
God’s Reply: 1 John 1:9
My Lie: “I can fix this. I don’t need God. I just need to try a little harder and I can make it right.”
God’s Reply: Ephesians 2:8,9
A QUOTE TO NOTE
4. “How do I know when my fantasies are actually sinful?”
What’s the difference between temptation and sin? Fr. Benedict Groeschel was a popular speaker; a priest-psychologist who brought modern insight to traditional Catholic spirituality. Here he explains when sexual fantasy is “culpable,” meaning “blameworthy,” and therefore sinful.
In the case of strong sexual fantasies, … it must be determined…whether there has been a voluntary admission of fantasy; if so, the deed is culpable. To be culpable, or sinful, such an admission must be reflective as well as voluntary. The person must have the presence of mind to say consciously, "This is wrong, but I am going to think about it anyway." If the person has been struggling with sexual feelings and fantasies for some time (and sexual need appears to ebb and flow), even such a statement may be made at a time of distraction and without full responsibility.
Is there an easy rule of thumb to determine whether there has been moral consent to sexual fantasy and forbidden desire? It seems to me that the best practical test for this is to answer the following questions:
1. Did I voluntarily augment or add to the fantasy?
2. Did I respond to it in a physical way, either by voluntary sexual arousal or by some action in pursuit of augmenting the fantasy, e.g., by looking at stimulating objects on purpose?
3. When I became aware of what I was doing, did I refuse to turn my attention to something else?
If the answer to all these questions (especially the last) is clearly and unequivocally yes, then I think the person is culpable. Even this full culpability may be reduced by other factors related to the person or situation. Without a "yes" answer to these questions I would presume that a sincere person has done nothing morally wrong. It is a good rule to remember that serious sin cannot be committed accidentally. Psychologically serious sin is an awesome occasion in the life of a struggling Christian [3].
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Blade Runner, dir. by Ridley Scott, Warner Bros. Pictures, 1982
[1] Adrienne Von Speyr, Handmaid of the Lord, tr. By E.A.Nelson, San Francisco, Ignatius Press, 1985, p. 174
[2] Catechism of the Catholic Church #1849 (citing St. Augustine, Contra Faustum 22)
[3] Benedict J. Groeschel, O.F.M. Cap. (CFR), The Courage to be Chaste, New York, Paulist Press, 1985, pp. 86f
All Scripture quotes from the New American Bible, unless otherwise specified