Day 37. Our History of Hurts
Mr. Trask, it’s awful not to be loved. It’s the worst thing in the world. ...It makes you mean – and violent – and cruel. And that's the way Cal has always felt, Mr. Trask. All his life! Maybe you didn’t mean it that way – but it’s true. You never gave him your love. You never asked for his. You never asked him for one thing.
Abra, East of Eden
CAUTION: Please be advised that today’s meditation mentions suicide, rape and other experiences of personal trauma.
What are the hurts in your own life? They’re not always easy to name. Do you experience periods of depression? Fits of anger or crying for no reason? An aching loneliness or a sense of great loss with no clear cause? Such unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming feelings are more common among your classmates or coworkers than you might think. Unidentified hurts may be at the root.
From my own life, and from talking with many young people, it is astounding to me the many ways we can receive emotional and spiritual hurts – wounds of the soul. They can come from a single event or a pattern of experiences over a period of time. Beyond these broad categories there are many kinds of hurts. They can be from something that was done to you, for example a betrayal by a close friend, or from something that was not done to you, like the lack of loving encouragement from a parent. They may come from relationships gone bad, from personal insults to your dignity or from deep disappointments. Sometimes they’re due to our own unrealistic expectations or disordered attachments. Sometimes they are injustices committed against us by others that we can’t (or won’t) forgive.
People handle their hurts in an equally wide variety of ways. Most common, I find, is denial: “I’m a strong person. I don’t have any hurts.” Others, deeply aware of their hurts, turn inward and withdraw from relationships because, “I have too much pain.” Still others adopt the attitude of the defiant victim: “I have been wronged, and I want everyone to know it!” This approach is popular because it can be used by the victim as an excuse for all of his or her own character flaws.
I don’t want to imply that such anger is unfounded. I also don’t believe that all or even most people carry deep, painful inner wounds – though really, I have no way of knowing. I do want to invite you to consider whatever hurts you may have in light of the helping and healing grace of Jesus Christ. Again, faith is the necessary virtue here. Faith enables us to see that there is no hurt too great for Jesus’ mercy. No sorrow too deep that he has not gone before us. And if you are not currently aware of any hurts, give thanks to God!
How can we uncover our hidden hurts? Once again, we turn to that “strange” device for self-knowledge: we examine our negative emotional reactions. In the wounded parts of our soul a painful sensitivity remains. When someone touches that pain, the reaction can be unexpected – sometimes even explosive! Prayerfully consider the times that you are most irritated or when you’ve had an emotional outburst for seemingly no reason. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you any hurts that may be at the root of such a reaction. An illustration may help.
Jim’s boss pulls him aside and asks him why he’s usually late to work. The boss isn’t angry (though he certainly has a right to be). He tells Jim to be on time from now on. It’s no major deal. So why does Jim spend the whole day furious over this short conversation? Why does he explode later that day when his mother tells him to clean up the mess he made in the garage? Why does Jim hold a grudge against his boss now and say negative things about him any chance he gets? If he examined his negative emotional reaction in light of the Holy Spirit’s guidance, Jim might recognize something very important about his inner life.
With prayer and reflection, Jim might recognize that his anger goes back to his relationship with his father. Jim’s dad seldom acknowledges anything he does right, but often corrects him when he fails – especially when he’s late. Jim’s father is a stickler for being on time and Jim feels he can never measure up. So, he’s hurt by this, and angry. He’s developed a resentment towards all authority figures, not just his dad. and assumes they don’t really care about him. Jim’s lateness is an expression of that anger - passive aggressive behavior. If Jim could see all this, he could pray about it. He could ask the Lord to ease his frustration and anger. He could pray for an opportunity to talk to his father and respectfully describe his experience. The Lord always leads us, whenever possible, toward reconciliation.
Not all negative emotions point to hurts. Sometimes, in fact very often, it is our own self-importance and conceit that leads us to lash out. We should be careful not to immediately assume the role of the innocent victim. We should also take care not to pass on the hurt to others. Thus Jim should also make it a point to ask his mother’s forgiveness for taking out his anger on her.
What happens when hurts become too great to bear? Though I pray what I am about to describe does not apply to you, I feel I should mention it for those who have experienced deep hurts and emotional trauma. Some hurts are simply too much to handle. I imagine it as a wrecking ball that crashes into the center of our Level of Awareness. This is usually the result of some terrible evil that is committed against the one who is hurt – sexual abuse, extreme physical violence such as rape, cruel betrayal by a very close friend, abandonment, the divorce of one’s parents, the infidelity of a trusted loved one, the loss of a parent or close friend to suicide or some other tragic death, patterns of rejection by peers throughout one’s school years. For those who experience such hurts, the reaction is often subconscious. When the pain is too much, one is compelled by inner necessity to forget it immediately, to treat it as if it didn’t happen. Returning to our allegory of the table, we imagine someone in this situation pushing the great iron ball off the edge of their tabletop – out of their Level of Awareness – hoping to be rid of it forever. Hoping it will never return.
If in reading this you recognize something in your own life of such great weight and painfulness, I urge you to stop and pray right now for God’s grace and peace. He will not leave you to deal with this alone. He comes to heal. He has power to save. Remember Mary too. Ask for her prayers and motherly compassion.
Yesterday, I mentioned that the hurts rolling around the tabletop don’t fall off. We are now in a position to answer this riddle: What keeps the iron balls in place? Memories. All of our hurts are still chained to our Level of Memory. Though we may have forgotten the specific event that brought them into existence, the hurts remain chained to that event up in the distant canopy of the starry sky. It is a sobering discovery. Forgetting a traumatic event doesn’t rid you of the hurt. In fact, it can have the opposite effect.
When a young woman, for example, who is deeply wounded tries to push that great iron ball out of her Level of Awareness, it doesn’t fall to the ground. Chained as it is to the Level of Memory it swings out away from the table only to return with equal force like a pendulum – or a wrecking ball! From what I’ve seen, this may take a great deal of time. The harder she pushes the massive hurt away, the longer it takes to come back – and the greater the impact when it returns. So, this woman may go years thinking that the painful event is over and dealt with. She may be living a peaceful, fruitful life right up until the day she subconsciously realizes that the hurt is on its way back.
One reaction to this realization is depression. It can manifest itself in a withdrawal from all close relationships, an inability to focus on any task, an extreme lack of motivation, a heavy sense of sorrow and dread, and in the worst cases, thoughts of suicide. One who is depressed believes that nothing good will ever happen to her again. No one, she feels, can reach her. No one, it seems, can console her.
I don’t say this to frighten. The situation is common enough, though, to be worthy of mention. We should be aware of the possibility of such an experience, and if we suspect such hurt exists in our own life, we must begin seeking God’s grace. Jesus is very close to those who feel farthest away from him because of depression.
I would also urge you to discuss this with your Discernment Advisor and decide if this is something that would call for professional help. There is no shame in seeing a counselor. Past generations may have viewed psychological treatment with suspicion and fear, but today we recognize that wounds of the heart and of the soul need, at times, professional attention just like any other serious wound. Take care, though, to choose a counselor who has faith in Jesus Christ. If you were seeking to repair a broken violin, you wouldn’t take it to someone who was tone-deaf. In seeking the repair of your soul, you’ll want someone who is attuned to the clear, musical note of the word of God and to the rhythm, the timing, of the Holy Spirit.
Today we have dealt with some painful subjects. Tomorrow we will turn our eyes to the Lord and let him lead us in ways of healing and freedom.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
Pier Giorgio responds: With violence you sow hatred, and you harvest its bad fruits. With charity, you sow peace among men – not the peace that the world gives, but the true peace that only faith in Jesus Christ can give us in common brotherhood.
Let us pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, guide me in claiming my rightful inheritance as a child of God and heir of His Kingdom. Show me, by your own example, how to be slow to anger, and gentle in my dealings with others. Help me to show forth the peace of Christ by speaking words of peace, and by living a life of peace.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is meek and humble of heart, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask for the Lord to lead you into greater freedom and self knowledge)
A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
BRAIN STORM
1. Looking Back at Growing Up
Naturally, we try not to think much about past hurts. That makes it hard to remember what was painful or distressing. This survey is for my own use. It seeks to help me reflect on experiences – good, bad and neutral – from my growing up years. If I wish to share it with my advisor I may, but it’s my decision.
Rate the following as 1 through 6 (note: you may find it helpful to simply write the word in the blank)
1. Always 2. Often 3. Sometimes 4. Rarely 5. Never 6. Does not apply
My family ate dinner together…
Growing up, I heard my parents fighting…
My dad hugged me and showed me affection in a way that comforted me…
My mom hugged me and showed me affection in a way that comforted me…
When I was in middle school, I came home to an empty house…
When I was in high school, I came home to an empty house…
I saw pornography around the house…
Religion was a topic of discussion in our house…
Money was a topic of discussion in our house …
Politics was a topic of discussion in our house …
We went to church as a family…
As a little kid I spent time with my dad…
As a little kid I spent time with my mom…
During high school I spent time with my dad…
During high school I spent time with my mom…
The TV was on in my house…
I felt safe in my house…
When my dad called me I was afraid…
When my mom called me I was afraid…
I fought with my brother/sister (name)…
I got along best with my brother/sister (name)…
In high school I was in a dating relationship…
I was picked on at school…
When I was a kid I got scared at night…
I was bored in church…
I felt condemned in church…
I avoided going home…
At home I was online late at night…
I did well in high school…
I did well in athletics…
I saw my mother drunk or high…
I saw my father drunk or high…
My friends made fun of me…
My mom was around the house…
My dad was around the house…
Now I look back over the list. Which of these ratings are most troubling to me? Do I feel a pang of anger, deep sadness or loss over any of them? If so, I circle these and write a few notes to myself in my journal or on this page about why I think they are troubling to me.
2. Family Values
When we’re little, our parents are our primary source of love. Since we need love to survive, we learn to value the things they value and adopt similar attitudes about things they deem important OR we react strongly against them. Often this is unconscious. That’s why it helps to reflect on what was admired and criticized at home. Again, this is just for me.
My Dad’s Values
Rate the following list. If I don’t know my father, I consider my primary father-figure.
Growing up in my family, my dad always admired…
Rate these: 1. Totally 2. Somewhat 3. Not at all
Men who succeeded honestly
Cleverness and wit
Guys who got the best looking girls
The best argument to make a point on any given issue
Anything the “leading experts” said
Pretty girls
Religious “rightness”
Getting the best deal
Athletic achievements
Smart business ideas
Religious or political conservatives
Religious or political liberals
Having nice things
The well-dressed man
Good cooking
Winners – in any field
Neatness and order
I never really knew my dad
People with nice yards
People with fancy houses
People or things associated with his heritage
My brother or sister
Other
Growing up in my family, my dad always criticized…
Rate these: 1. Totally. 2. Somewhat. 3. Not at all.
Effeminate men
People who got too cocky
Powerful women
Intellectuals
Overweight women
Overweight men
Religious or political conservatives
Religious or political liberals
Rich athletes
Corporate executives
Materialistic people
People who are ‘too religious’
Anything flashy – like pop stars and fancy clothes.
People from certain ethnic backgrounds
People or things associated with his family heritage
My brother or sister
Other
My Mom’s Values
As above, if I don’t know my mother, I consider my primary maternal care-giver.
Growing up in my family, my mom always admired…
Rate these: 1. Totally. 2. Somewhat. 3. Not at all.
People who had nice things
People who could always find a bargain
Expensive gifts
Women who got rich men
Glamorous celebrities and movie stars
People who had integrity
People who are nice
Spiritual people
Successful people
Women who are thin
Cat lovers
Stay-at-home moms
Anything Catholic!!!
Practical gifts
Cute knick-knacks…lots of them!
Well-dressed women
Well-dressed men
Good decorating
Neatness and order
I never really knew my mom
Winners – in any field
Powerful women
Assertive people
My brother or sister (name)
Other
In my family growing up, my mom always criticized…
1. Totally. 2. Somewhat. 3. Not at all.
Inconsiderate people
Women who dressed badly
Men who slept around
Anybody showing off
Glamorous celebrities and movie stars
Rich people
Powerful men
Overweight women
Overweight men
Conservative Christians
Single mothers
Home-schoolers
People from certain ethnic backgrounds
Powerful women
Church leaders
The neighbors
Me!
Other
Go over these lists. Which of these attitudes of my parents do I agree most with? I circle these. Which do I find most distressing and cause a negative emotional reaction in me? I put an “X” over these. Again, I write a few notes to myself in my journal or on this page about why I think they are troubling to me.
Please Handle with Care. If I found some insights in these exercises, I use good judgment in deciding whether to share them with my parents. They, too, have hurts and disappointments from the past. I can think critically about how I experienced my home life growing up without being disloyal to them. I can ask myself hard questions about the way I was raised without being disrespectful. Honest reflection should not cause guilt nor push me to share hard things with my parents too soon. As my thoughts become clearer, I may in the future decide to sit down and discuss my experiences with one or both of my parents, but give this time. I let the Holy Spirit speak through this process and open the way to clarity and then healing.
EXAMINE MY HEART
3. Repressed Emotions and the Damage They Do
Why is it important to understand our reactions to our parents’ attitudes? Anger and fear are powerful emotions. If we felt trapped in situations at home that caused either, we may have coped with them by means of repression. Medical doctor Gabor Maté describes the power of repressed emotions in the earliest stages of the parent-child relationship that can cause physical illness if left unresolved:
The repression of anger is a form of dissociation, a psychological process originating in childhood. The young human being unconsciously banishes from awareness feelings or information that, if consciously experienced, would create unsolvable problems. Bowlby calls this phenomenon “defensive exclusion.” “The information likely to be defensively excluded is of a kind that, when accepted for processing in the past, has led the person concerned to suffer more or less severely.”
In other words, the angry child got into trouble and experienced rejection. The anger and the rejection had to be deflected inside, against the self, in order to preserve the attachment relationship with the parent. … “Inappropriate self-criticism results“ [1].
Do I feel like I have unresolved anger about my family background? If so, how do I deal with these?
Do I have chronic health troubles that are difficult to explain? Could family troubles and difficulty in my home life have anything to do with this?
Helpful Resources for Healing
[1] The Body Keeps the Score, Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - East of Eden, Warner Bros. motion picture 1955
[1] Gabor Maté, M.D., When the Body Says No, Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection, Hoboken, John Wiley & Sons, p. 172