Day 99. Ad Sum

*What we do in life echoes in eternity.*
Maximus, *Gladiator*

“Ad sum.” On the day of his ordination, in the old Latin liturgy, a candidate for holy orders made this response when his name was called. It means, “Present.” Yet the Latin words have a punch that the English lacks. The Latin means, in effect, “I am fully, freely present to this moment and to this vocation.” The candidate for orders isn’t merely stating a physical fact. He isn’t “present” in the cathedral like the pews, the pillars or the stained glass windows. He is a self-aware, free person promising fidelity to the Church and making a complete self-gift to Jesus Christ. The same is true of the consecrated woman or man. When the name is called, and the response is given, there is a world of meaning behind the simple response, “Here I am.”

We come to the end of the 99 days. As you look back on the ground you’ve covered, it may seem that we have taken a roundabout path in reaching our goal. We spent so long on self-knowledge and relationships before we finally got to discernment and vocation. Was it time well spent?

I pray that you have come to understand, in an initial way, that years of preparation, personal development, and faithful daily prayer are necessary to lay the groundwork for the words “Ad sum” or “Here I am” or “I do.” If you are to make a full and free commitment to a life-state vocation, it is necessary that your vows are made with a reasonable amount of self-knowledge and a good balance in your relationships that protects your “yes.” That has been our goal in this Novena. The Allegory of the Table is only a tool, and the Blueprint of the Temple is a guide. Used properly they can help you prepare for the courageous decision to offer your treasure at the feet of the Lord – not as a single dramatic gesture, but as a consistent way of life.

This, I believe, is far more important than a detailed explanation of the differences between a Capuchin and a Carmelite. If you choose to go that route, you can make your own inquiries, and the various diocesan representatives or religious congregations can explain their own ways far better than I.

CONCLUSION

“In the year King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a high and lofty throne, with the train of his garment filling the temple. Seraphim were stationed above; each of them had six wings: with two they veiled their faces, with two they veiled their feet, and with two they hovered aloft.

‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts!’ they cried one to the other. ‘All the earth is filled with his glory!’ At the sound of that cry, the frame of the door shook and the house was filled with smoke.

Then I said, ‘Woe is me, I am doomed! For I am a man of unclean lips living among a people of unclean lips yet my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!’ Then one of the seraphim flew to me, holding an ember which he had taken with tongs from the altar.

He touched my mouth with it. ‘See,’ he said, ‘now that this has touched your lips, your wickedness is removed, your sin is purged.’

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?’ ‘Here I am,’ I said, ‘send me!’
Isaiah 6:1-8

“Here I am.” These words, spoken at a dramatic moment of vocation in the scriptures, help us bring our Novena journey to a conclusion. Isaiah is in the temple praying. As a priest, he is going about his business, doing what he’s supposed to, not looking for lightening bolts. God appears as King reigning from the throne above the Ark of the Covenant and summons Isaiah to be a prophet to Israel.

Isaiah’s call brings together many elements of this Novena. Present in the scene are the temple, the altar and the holy of holies, four by four. In prayer before the veil, the prophet receives his call. The glory of the Lord fills the temple, an image of the infilling power of God’s call and the total consecration it secures for his faithful. God speaks, and the prophet responds, “Here I am…send me!”

God may call you to celibacy, but he may also call you to marriage. Both can lead you to holiness. My intention has been to clarify the unique call that is a vowed, celibate way of following Jesus. Whether it is your call, I cannot say. But I can say that every celibate vocation begins with a heart that is willing; that is ready to say, “Here I am…send me!”

This leads us to one final dimension of vocation made visible in the life of our blessed Mother. At the angel Gabriel’s invitation, Mary gives consent and with her single “yes,” she clothes the word of God in flesh. The child born to Mary and Joseph is fully divine and fully human – resembling, in physical attributes, his mother. From Mary, Jesus received his human features in their entirety.

Our vocation, too, is a “yes” which clothes the divine word – our particular calling – with living flesh. In my own case, the clothing-in-flesh is the life I live out in response to God’s call. As with Mary, it resembles in most external features my own gifts, strengths and attributes. Yet this vocation lived out in daily fidelity to binding promises is something of uniquely divine origin.

To go the distance, our “yes” must be spoken at every stage of the journey. Every morning we awaken in the vocation we finally choose, we must beg for the grace of fidelity and perseverance. To commit ourselves for life to a path set forth by God is to make an act of faith, not in our faithfulness, but in God’s.

We began this Novena with a question: “Who am I?” We end with the same question; imbued with a deeper meaning and awareness. God has a call for you; a plan for your life. Even if it remains obscure, there is a divine summons that awaits you and will lead you to the fullness of life. This should prompt a sense of wonder expressed in the question, “Who am I?”

In many of the calling narratives of scripture, the one who realizes the magnitude of God’s gift asks, “Who am I that I should receive this from the Lord?” King David (2 Sm 7:18), Elizabeth (Lk 1:43), John the Baptist (Mt. 3:14) and Peter (Lk. 5:8). They all realize in some way the great honor of our Lord’s action in their lives. In recognizing the privilege of God’s call, we come a long way from the confused “Who am I?” of our misplaced Sense of Self. Far, too, from the “why me?” pity-party that often characterizes the initial shock of a divine call. We step forward to answer the summons grateful, faith-filled and confident in God’s plan. What glories await? Only God knows.

What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him. - 1 Corinthians 2:9

Make it My Own

Daily Discernment Workbook

THIS IS MY HOUR

1. My Hour: Three Movements

All that we have described over the past days about the Spiritual Life can be applied to any Christian regardless of her or his vocation. We are all called to Total Interior Conversion – or, to keep with our clock analogy we should always, no matter what our state in life, keep “TIC’ing.” But our progress depends on how well we understand the place we are in. We should be aware of three movements in the Spiritual Life. Two are required of all and one is voluntary. Regarding the first two, though they overlap, the first gradually yields to the second. Below we describe these movements. In the process, the choice to pursue a celibate vocation in imitation of Christ becomes clearer and makes me ready to enter my Time of Election.

FIRST MOVEMENT: Taking Hold

The first movement in the Spiritual Life is Taking Hold. The initiative begins with God, but in the early going he invites my cooperation. This action and response can be heard in St. Paul’s famous words, “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” Phil. 3:12b NIV

What do I “Take Hold” of? Life. Though life is a fact (I am alive), it also requires me to act. This runs through every aspect of my existence as a human person. So it’s not just about spiritual life. In addition to my faith, Taking Hold refers to my bodily strengths and gifts, my intellectual growth, my creativity, my character, my personal well-being, my finances, and much more. It is the process of taking an active, responsible role in claiming my own life and striving for maturity in every part of who I am.

Have I taken hold? How can I know? While Taking Hold is a process, there are certain signs that indicate I’ve reached a healthy maturity. Consider these following questions:

Do I have a basic vision for my life – what I’d like to do and be?
Do I feel comfortable spending time alone developing my own talents and enjoying my own pursuits?
Have I accomplished anything that took training, hard work, creativity and commitment?
Am I excited about what the future holds, eager to pursue a career, looking forward to dating, wanting to develop my other interests and abilities?
Do I feel, on the whole, like a player rather than a spectator in the arena of life?

If I feel, instead, that I have not yet taken hold, I can consider these questions.

Do I just roll along with whatever is expected of me – doing what’s next, but not really taking initiative?
Do I expect others to be my source of happiness and fulfillment? Am I waiting for a savior, whether divine or human?
Am I disengaged from most of the things in my life – finding everything dull, unsatisfying and even tiresome?
Do I feel, on the whole, like a spectator rather than a player in the arena of life?

A Surprising Insight: We might assume that someone who has not taken hold is a prime candidate for a priestly or religious vocation, while the one who has taken hold should pursue her or his dreams. In fact, the one who has not taken hold of life is not yet a good candidate for any vocation. It is rather the one who is equipped and eager to pursue a promising future who is in the best position. How can this be? Before we come to an answer, we’ll need to understand the second movement of the Spiritual Life.

SECOND MOVEMENT: Letting Go

The second movement is Letting Go. Having taken hold of my life – my youth and strength, my gifts and abilities, my plans and dreams – I dedicate myself to pursuing them by making a gift of myself in my chosen vocation. But even as my life is getting started, I am also learning that one day it will come to an end. Beginning with the Night of Sense, I am being taught the art of Letting Go. This is the movement that defines the second half of my spiritual life and prepares me for the final act: Letting Go of life itself at the moment of death. In the process I am Letting Go of my physical strengths and abilities as I grow older and my independence as I share life with my spouse. I let go of my children as they leave the home, my prized plans and hoped-for accomplishments as unexpected events move them beyond my reach and my loved ones as they go before me. In the spiritual life, as we have learned, I am even Letting Go of the God I know, so that I can know God as he truly is; as I will know him in eternity. Letting go is very hard to do, but if I refuse to let it happen, I find a harder road. Life itself makes the decision if I cannot or will not do it myself. Sooner or later everything is taken from me.

Am I prepared to Let Go?

In modern culture we live in a sort of collective avoidance of Letting Go. In fact, much of the advertising we see is about “Having it All” and “Staying Forever Young.” In the process we avoid the lessons that can equip us to peacefully and even joyfully embrace the process of Letting Go. Am I in denial? I ask myself these questions.

Do I have a very hard time accepting necessary changes in relationships – like a close friend who moves away, or a brother or sister who gets married and doesn’t come home for holidays as much?
Do I spend a lot of time on fitness and a lot of money on my appearance? Do I freak out over gray hairs and wrinkles?
Do I experience a lot of anxiety about my future and fear that I will miss out on the good things in life?
Do I avoid the subject of death because it’s too depressing?

A Difference Between Men and Women

In the Spiritual Life, both movements are difficult, but men and women struggle differently. Men have a harder time Taking Hold. Passivity is a pitfall that men must always fight against. If they don’t, many simply stumble into their vocation looking for someone else to take care of them. Women, on the other hand, often have a hard time Letting Go. Women are usually more aware that their goals are dependent on many factors not completely under their control. Learning to trust in God and entrust themselves to others, for many women, is a life-long journey. Learning to take responsibility, for many men, is similarly difficult.

But It Seems so Hopeless

The picture of the Spiritual Life can appear grim unless I look at it with eyes of faith. I am not made for this world. I have a heavenly destiny and everything I let go of here and now opens the way for God’s in-filling of grace and eternal life. If I understand this – even a little bit – I am ready to understand the third movement of the Spiritual Life – one that is only possible because of Jesus Christ.

THIRD MOVEMENT: Lay It Down

Jesus reveals a third movement in the Spiritual Life in imitation of his own saving mission.

For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life, that I may take it again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again; this charge I have received from my Father.
John 10:17-18

Because of the grace of baptism we also have the power, given by God, to lay down our lives in and for Christ. While only Jesus has the power to take his life back up again (which he did when he rose from the dead), he gives some the ability to lay down our lives so that he can give us a taste of the life to come. By doing so he makes women and men signs of heaven and renews his Church in every age by the sacrifices we offer. “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful ones” (Ps. 116:15).

The Noble Offering

We live in a consumer culture. As we learned in the analogy of the Mall and the Temple, most of us “shop” like customers for happiness and choose relationships and even our vocational path according to what is pleasing. This Novena was written to explain that there is another way. Rather than asking “What is pleasing to me?” I ask, “What is pleasing to God?” and make the noble offering of my life to Jesus Christ in a celibate vocation. In this way I Take Hold of my Life only to Lay It Down before Christ and say, “Here I am…to do your will is my delight” (Ps. 40:8-9). Will I make this noble offering? If so, I am ready to enter my Time of Election.

In my journal I write my own thoughts. Am I prepared to make a noble offering to Jesus Christ?

Ordinarily I make my Time of Election in a closing Decision Retreat. It should be at least four days but eight days is best (discuss with your Discernment Advisor what’s best for you, given your work demands, etc.). A format for making my Decision Retreat is provided. When I go on retreat, I print out the materials and bring them along (don’t count on a web connection). I should be in contact with my Spiritual Advisor who will help prepare me for this time of decision-making.

A QUOTE TO NOTE

2. Every End is a Beginning

Karl Rahner on Final Vows
All ways – the streets of labor for the Kingdom of God, the quiet paths of holy contemplation, the stations of the cross – all lead towards death, all lead to God. What is being vowed today is like a compass for these ways and for the vows: one can really walk along them until they end in the infinity and freedom of God. May God be with you on these ways. He is a true God. He will not tempt you beyond that which you can bear. He triumphs in your weakness; and on the day of Jesus Christ He will consummate the work that he has begun in you today. Amen. [1]

Compose a Prayer

Having completed my 99 Day Novena and in preparation for making my Time of Election during my Decision Retreat, I write a prayer to God offering him my life. I try to be as honest as possible, but I also ask for the grace to be courageous.

[0] lead quote - Gladiator, Universal Pictures, 2000

[1] Karl Rahner, SJ, Meditations on the Sacraments, Final Vows – The Eternal Yes. Crossroad, 1974

Novena Prayer

Make it My Own

Day 98. The Length, Height, Breadth, and Depth