6th Advisory Meeting
On or After the Candidate Completes Day 69
Description: We apply the lessons of the Temple to the patterns of relationship we set in our own lives. The important issue here is intimacy – whom do we allow to get to know us and how many close friends should we expect to have? I find that young people believe that having more friends means more happiness. Scripture, especially Sirach, emphasizes quality over quantity and indicates that a few faithful friends are most likely to bring happiness.
Preparation Points
1. Day 56 gives a definition of vocation to be familiar with. I offer in this day’s meditation a definition of vocation based on the principle of self-gift. In connection with this I hold that single life is not a life-state vocation in the same sense as priesthood, marriage or consecrated life. Some would disagree, so I encourage you to read this day’s material. I underline the permanence of the life-state vocations we are discerning in this Novena. Single life is not permanent but rather remains open to a variety of life-state choices. There is no intent to diminish the importance of the primary baptismal vocation to holiness, which a single person can live fully and fruitfully. For the sake of clarity, though, the candidate should understand it’s a life-long commitment being considered here.
2. Privileged access of the One. An important purpose of our extensive meditation on the Temple is to establish the fact that even God selects, out of all those whom he loves, one privileged person (the high priest) to approach the inner sanctuary. We apply this as a metaphor for the unique, spousal self-gift which we associate most with marriage but which can also apply to consecrated and/or ordained celibate life. We, like God, can choose one particular person to share a relationship of deepest intimacy. The Novena celebrates the gift of marriage but also points out that, for some, the heart craves a spousal love that surpasses anything a merely human relationship can give.
3. Going “Public.” When you contact the candidate to confirm your meeting, signal her or him that it’s time to start actively seeking contact with and visiting seminaries and/or congregations and religious communities. Also encourage them to attend any ordinations, vows ceremonies or “Come and See” visitation weekends that are offered nearby. Here again are the worksheet links: visiting religious communities or exploring the priesthood. If the candidate has questions, the worksheets give instructions for these visits, including how to set up a visit, what to do on the visit and then how to evaluate the experience afterward. The candidate will also receive these links, but if they run into difficulty, be ready to lend a hand. You may even forward these links digitally or print a copy that the candidate can use. If any further questions come up, work together to resolve them to the best of your abilities.
Meeting Agenda
1. Is there anything from your journal you’d like to share? This can be your usual lead-off question going forward. They’ll know to expect it.
2. Walk through the Temple. Usually the candidate has a lot to talk about after this section. Use the Temple layouts from the workbook of Day 65 (“Who Goes Where in My Temple of Relationships?”). Ask the candidate to describe the layout of their own Temple of Relationships and explain why they put the various friends, family and other people where they did.
3. It’s okay to choose your friends. This may seem obvious but in my experience good Christians mistake the commandment to love everybody with an expectation that we should be friends with everybody. This section of the Novena clarifies that God gives us freedom to associate with whomever we choose. Certainly he commands us to be generous and avoid self-seeking in these relationships, but we are nevertheless free to develop deep friendships with those we feel most comfortable around. No one, it's important to explain, can demand our intimacy or access to our private lives. This access can only be given, never required. Discussing this may raise awareness of emotionally manipulative or even abusive relationships in the candidate’s life – people who expect total disclosure and total access to her or his personal life.
4. Family ties. Along these lines, the question sometimes comes up: do I have to tell my parents everything? Do I have to let them into my inner life? In a healthy family, we usually count these among our deepest relationships. What happens, though, when family ties are too invasive? What are we obligated to share with a demanding set of parents or a nosey brother or sister? We are not obligated to give our parents or siblings total access to our private lives, especially as adults. There are areas of our lives our parents can and should be informed about, but there are also areas where we can use our discretion in what information we give out. Easily said. Very difficult in some cases to do.
5. Is celibacy better? On Day 57 we address an issue that good Catholics often have difficulty with. The Church teaches that celibacy chosen for the Kingdom of God is a higher calling than marriage. As the day’s material makes clear, this is not a qualitative comparison of people in the respective life states. You can have very holy married people as well as very unholy priests and religious. The declaration of celibacy as a higher call has to do with the relationship of the celibate person to our final destiny in heaven where we “neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matt. 22:30). Day 57 is certainly worth a closer look for the candidate or for you as the Discernment Advisor if this is a troubling point.
6. Can men and women be friends? You might choose to discuss the issue of whether men and women can be close friends (Day 66). It’s a topic young people have strong opinions about. A word of caution here. Spiritual people are often quick to affirm the fact that saints have had deep, opposite-sex friendships. Before you land too firmly on that side of the question, please read over this day’s material. While there are saints who had strong opposite sex friendships, there are also saints who chose to avoid these for equally valid reasons. The purpose of raising this issue is to acknowledge that any friendship between the sexes brings the risk that it can turn into something more than friendship. There are times when we are mature enough to handle these friendships, but young people often carelessly assume they can enjoy such closeness without the necessary boundaries and caution. There are many who find themselves with broken hearts through unexpected feelings of attachment that are not reciprocated.
7. Romantic attachments and same-sex attraction: The Day 66 meditation acknowledges that candidates who experience same-sex attraction face different temptations when discerning friendships and avoiding unwanted attachments. Some guidance on how to adjust and apply the content is offered there, but more help may be needed. If the candidate has opened up to you about such personal struggles, your support can be a great blessing - specifically in helping them receive the Church’s wisdom in truth and in trust. The pastoral goal here, regardless of one’s sexual attractions, is to be brutally honest about blind spots in matters of the heart. For most faithful Catholics, that’s a daily battle. Many underestimate the vigilance required to preserve chastity in order to pursue the Lord single-heartedly. They focus on avoiding grave sin, but don’t recognize more subtle pre-romantic tugs and entanglements. Our hope is to raise the level of self-awareness without self-condemnation. Romantic feelings and attachments happen, but we still have a choice. Intentional time apart - for as long as it takes - is usually the difficult but necessary decision. Being real with oneself, with God and with trusted spiritual friends is the best strategy for recognizing and responding quickly before such attachments, whether same-sex or opposite-sex in nature, have a chance to take root.
8. Jesus’ patterns of intimacy. The candidate may still have trouble with the idea of God “playing favorites.” Day 67 shows Jesus carefully selecting who among his associates will have greater access to his person. This is worth reviewing and discussing if the candidate struggles in this regard.
9. The glory of the Lord fills the temple. The Temple of Relationships sets the stage for a better understanding of celibacy. Here we use the image of the temple “filled with the glory of the Lord” so completely that the priests have to leave (1 Kings 8:10f). The candidate is invited to consider that God can so completely fill (satisfy) a soul that she/he desires God in a total and exclusive way. This doesn’t isolate the soul but rather expands and amplifies the scope of intimacy to embrace a more universal love of God and neighbor. More on this in the days to come!
