Day 14. Your Cheatin’ Heart
We do not deal much in fact when we are contemplating ourselves.
Mark Twain
To make further progress, we now must confront one of the greatest obstacles to self-knowledge: You. Me. Face it – we are our own worst enemies in the struggle for self-knowledge. We don’t want to see ourselves as we are. Instead we see ourselves as we would like to be. We view ourselves and those close to us in the best possible light. It’s everybody else who has the problems!
Look back at yesterday’s reflection exercise. Probably, you shied away from checking the less appealing attributes on the “Sense of Self” list. But we won’t get anywhere unless we are willing to see our true selves. Jesus promises that “the truth will set you free” (Jn. 8:32). We need to face up to the truth about ourselves in order to find real and lasting freedom. This is something we are only gradually coming to believe. Currently, most of us prefer illusions to truth when it comes to self-knowledge. For example, many of us would agree with this statement: “I am my own person. I don’t follow the crowd, and I don’t care what other people think of me.” In my experience young people who say this are almost always trying to convince themselves of something they wish to be true rather than making any real attempt at honesty. Do you believe this about yourself? It is far more likely that there are certain people in your life who exert enormous influence over the way you dress, what you say and how you act. Whether you model yourself after a popular image seen in your favorite magazines, or after somebody you admire – an actor, a sports figure, a “cool” friend – you probably allow your self-image to be controlled by others far more than you (or I, for that matter) are willing to admit.
Because of this basic dishonesty in self-assessment, you’ll need to equip yourself at this point with a healthy skepticism of the “self” as you perceive it in your Level of Awareness.
Speaking of which, let’s go back to the large, stone platform which is the Level of Awareness. Think about the three stone pillars: Sense of Self, Source of Love, Hope of Happiness. We have no way of knowing where those three pillars are founded, right? You couldn’t see their bases by peering over the edge. You could guess at it, but if everything on your Level of Awareness is seen from your own point of view, how can you be confident that those guesses are not just wishful thinking? This is where our emotional reactions can be helpful.
By an emotional reaction, we mean any strong, unwilled emergence or presence of negative emotions: sadness, anger, fear, dread, loathing, hatred. Why only negative emotions? Why not a few positive ones like happiness or excitement? Because we’re looking for clues to the realities (or illusions) on which we build our lives, and a negative emotional reaction is much more “honest” than a positive one. We seek out and desire to experience positive emotions. Negative emotions are less desirable. So when we experience them, we can more easily conclude that they are unwilled, involuntary, “honest” reactions.
Also, don’t confuse these emotional reactions with “feelings.” “Feelings”, in this sense, are the emotions that accompany our deepest longings and desires. They are located in our Hope of Happiness and they are notoriously poor guides for discernment and action. Unfortunately, we probably don’t believe this. Even if we say we believe it, feelings still have enormous influence over the decisions we make. “Follow your heart” is a common proverb of modern times, which actually translates into: “Follow your feelings.” This conviction is so deeply embedded in our minds that we live by it without even thinking about it. We live by feelings and not by facts. So, by this warped logic, if a man has been married for seven years to a woman whom he finds he no longer loves, he “follows his feelings” and moves in with his attractive co-worker who is 10 years younger than he is.
Feelings in this regard are very different from emotional reactions. If, in this period of seeking God’s will, you suddenly find yourself attracted to someone – if you have “feelings” for each other – you will probably not hesitate to drop out of discernment and pair up. I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count. The explanation is always the same: “We had to be true to our feelings.” Right. It’s a convenient escape route for those who are afraid to continue the search for God’s will.
Back to the Level of Awareness. In an earlier reflection, we asked the question “whom do you hate?” Now the significance of this question becomes clearer. Whom do you react against? Who sparks a negative emotional reaction in you? It doesn’t have to be an outburst. It can also be a constant and growing grudge or resentment – signified by avoiding the person or having frequent critical thoughts about him or her. Why do we take note of our emotional reactions? They give us clues to where our three pillars are grounded.
When your life shakes, or when the ground – the sand – on which one of your pillars is resting shifts, you reach out for stability. You run to a very specific spot in your Level of Awareness and you stand there. It is a Security Spot – the place that is least shaky. There is nothing obvious about this Spot to distinguish it from any other place on the vast surface of your life. Still, you seem to intuit exactly where it is – where they are. In fact there are three Security Spots. Is this starting to make sense? The Security Spots on the topside of your Level of Awareness correspond to the places where your three pillars connect to the underside of the platform, and to where those pillars rest down below. If we can identify these Security Spots, we can get a more accurate picture of where you ground your Sense of Self, your Source of Love, and your Hope of Happiness.
Now, try to imagine. If your life were suddenly to become unstable, and you were to run to one of those Security Spots, how would you feel if you found somebody else standing exactly where you needed to be? Remember, your survival depends on finding stability during a shaky time. Do you think you might have a strong emotional reaction towards the person who is in your way? An intense loathing or a subtle resentment? We’ll take this further tomorrow. The plot thickens. No peeking.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Pier Giorgio responds: The faith given to me in Baptism surely suggests to me that of yourself you will do nothing; but if you have God as the center of all your actions, then you will reach the goal.
Let us Pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, teach me true poverty of spirit. Help me understand that God cares for me; and that He asks me, in return, to care for others, especially those in need. Guide me to make choices in my life which will show a preference for service of God and neighbor, rather than accumulating financial wealth and social advantage for myself. Give me a special love for the poor and the sick.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is the Lover of the poor, all the grace necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask for the Lord to grant peace, clarity and loving guidance in your discernment journey)
A Book of Prayers in honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
BRAIN STORM
1. Identifying My Source of Life
As I did yesterday with my Sense of Self, I now write “Source of Love” at the top of another page of my journal and start writing down the primary love relationships in my life. Whom do I love most? Who loves me? Mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, coworkers? Write their names. If I find in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit a source of love for my life, I write these too.
I should try to be open to any surprising insights. There are people who try to ground their source of love not in a person, but in an animal, a pet. Is this me? Others seek the love of everybody – they live for total and unconditional affirmation, often using social media as their virtual stage. Others channel their love into a fantasy world – through books and media, chat rooms or fantasy games. Others have a hero – a person they’ve never met but greatly admire – whom they picture as the one to affirm and approve of them. I’ll try to be as honest as I can in considering how much these influence my own Sources of Love. No self-condemnation here. Just total transparency and trust that the Lord is with me to guide me.
Whom Do I Look To For Love? Pick the top 7. Using my Soil Sampling sheet again, I pick out the top choices from my list above, but I’ll write them in pencil. I’ll likely be revising this list later on.
Return to this list. Throughout the coming weeks, God will be showing me where my primary love relationships are grounded. I’ll be attentive to this. I’ll make it a point to write them down on this page or in my journal as I become aware of them.
EXAMINE MY HEART
2. Who is my go-to person?
If the making the list above was difficult or left me blank, I can try another way to identify my Sources of Love.
When I am upset, I most often talk to
When I fail a test I turn to
When I am lonely I turn to
When I am disappointed by someone I turn to
When I am afraid and I need to be encouraged I turn to
3. What’s a security spot?
It may be that I think a Security Spot is a physical place. It can be. But it can also be a place in my mind or a position among a set of relationships. Try to identify the Security Spot for the personalities described below. These suggestions are to help me to discover my own. This means I’ll avoid judging other people in my life based on what I read below. I leave that to God.
Gary’s Daydream.
Gary can’t focus on calculus. He’s never been very good at complicated math. Whenever he’s in class, he gets lost in thoughts about playing basketball. He wants to try out as a walk-on for the University team. His dad says he should be thinking about getting into the College of Business rather than the basketball team.
Gary’s security spot is:
Lindsay’s Drummer-Bummer
Lindsay knows everything there is to know about her favorite boy-band. She has a huge crush on the drummer, “I want to marry him!” Lindsay’s friends all love the band too, though she is by far the biggest fan of the bunch. When a new friend Kara joins their group, Lindsay is delighted to find that Kara is a huge fan too. In fact, Kara has met the band backstage and even is a regular contributor to the band’s official website. Before long, Lindsay and Kara have a falling out and stop talking to each other. Suddenly, Lindsay loses interest in the band, and stops hanging around with that group of friends. Now she’s into her favorite soap opera and spends all her time with the friends who like it too – although nobody’s as big a fan as she is.
Lindsay’s security spot is:
James the Go-To Guy
James gets very confrontational whenever he’s around Tammy. Tammy transferred to the State College from a Catholic university in the Midwest and has been getting more involved with the locchurch. James is on the student leadership council for the campus ministry at church. All the other Catholic students go to James when they have questions about Catholicism – he’s very good at giving them clear, simple answers about what the Church teaches. But since Tammy showed up, who majored in Catholic moral theology, more and more people are going to her.
James’ security spot is:
4. Do I have Security Spots?
Where do I go to gain confidence and a sense of control when things are shaky in my life? Is it a particular relationship? A secret fantasy about my future? A skill, a sport or an area of knowledge in which I pride yourself? Write these below or using a journal.
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
