Day 15. On Shaky Ground
Lisa: But she’s better than me at everything that makes me special!
Marge: Oh, believe me honey; she’s more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You’re thinking of bears, Mom.
Lisa’s Rival, The Simpsons
Jennifer hates her organic chemistry professor. I mean she loathes him. The strange part is that Jennifer is a very kind and gentle person and a faithful Catholic. She has never hated anyone before in her life. The professor, Mr. Verma, is hardly an ogre. In fact, he is a very pleasant man who was born in India and came to the U.S. about six years ago. So why does Jennifer hate him? She may never know if she doesn’t get serious about seeking self-knowledge. She may only struggle with pangs of guilt and with denial, “This just can’t be. I’m not the kind of person who hates people. It’s not like me.” Still whenever her classmates talk about organic chemistry, she gets very tense. When one of her friends mocks Mr. Verma’s thick Indian accent, she enthusiastically joins in the ridicule. What’s going on?
Let’s take a deeper look into Jennifer’s life. Her Sense of Self is grounded in the conviction that she is an achiever. Jennifer has excelled at everything she has ever tried to do. She takes great pride in her accomplishments though she isn’t boastful about them. Jennifer’s Source of Love is her father who is a very successful corporate lawyer. Since her parents are divorced, Jennifer has spent most of her formative years with her dad. He has always applauded her accomplishments and in some ways she has come to equate achievement with love. Though she has never thought about it consciously, she is convinced that she is only lovable to the extent that she “makes the grade.” That’s why making good grades is so important to Jennifer.
Jennifer has always dreamed of getting into the best medical school in the state. It’s very competitive and last year, only three people were accepted from her college’s pre-med program out of 75. This year, there are more than 90 students vying for entrance into the prestigious school. To be a doctor – a pediatrician – is Jennifer’s Hope of Happiness. She has wanted to be a doctor since she was in the hospital to visit her mother when she was eight.
Can you understand now why Jennifer hates her organic chemistry prof? It might make sense if we add a few more important facts. Jennifer has great difficulty understanding Mr. Verma’s heavy Indian accent, and the material they’re covering is the most challenging she has ever studied. Jennifer just got back her midterm and she got a D. It’s the first D she’s ever received in school. She is currently ranked first in her class. Suddenly, Jennifer is horrified to realize that this may not be the case at the end of the semester.
Does Jennifer’s story sound familiar? Have you ever known anyone like this? Jennifer’s loathing towards Mr. Verma offers us an example of how an emotional reaction is a sign of something deeper. It’s a window for self-knowledge. Her other reactions are important too. Normally, Jennifer calls her dad at least once every day. But on the day she got the exam back, Jennifer didn’t call. When her father calls her the following evening, she doesn’t mention the bad grade -- yet Jennifer has never kept anything from her dad. Why now? It’s fairly obvious once you look at Jennifer’s pillars. Jennifer’s Sense of Self and Hope of Happiness are both threatened by the bad grade. In avoiding telling her father, she’s trying to protect her last pillar, the Source of Love. She fears his reaction at finding out about the grade.
Based on this example, return to the list you made of the people you hate – or dread, or fear, or resent. It is true that not all of these reactions are indications of something deeper. We react to some people simply because they have irritating traits. That may be all there is to our aversion to them. But don’t be too quick to dismiss strong emotions as a difference of temperaments or a personality conflict. Is there something about this person that threatens your Sense of Self, your Source of Love or your Hope of Happiness?
A few more examples may be helpful. If Todd’s Sense of Self is founded on the cherished idea that he is the best video game player in his college residence hall, then how will he feel towards the guy down the hall who starts beating him every time they play? Won’t Todd start to resent this person? Yet, here is an opportunity for self knowledge. Todd might never know that he places so much of his personal worth on video games unless he honestly confronts his feelings of anger towards his opponent.
Sandy’s been with her boyfriend for almost three years. They’ve talked about marriage, though Sandy’s the one who is most interested in it. The boyfriend Ron isn’t so sure. One day on a trip to the beach with some friends, Sandy notices Ron spending a lot of time talking to a girl who’s a friend of a friend. A day later, Ron tells Sandy that he wants to start seeing other people. Though Sandy doesn’t even know the name of this person at the beach, she hates her. The girl has undermined Sandy’s Source of Love. Sandy has a chance to recognize how much reliance she places on Ron by exploring her hatred of this girl she doesn’t know. Do you think she will? Most people don’t because they seldom dig below the surface of their feelings.
One more example. Hugh was a good family man and a hard worker. He was a pillar in his church and always generous when called upon to serve the community. That is, until he disappeared three months ago. Without any warning, Hugh left town and took with him a good portion of his family’s savings. He used the money to purchase a bar in San Diego with an old college buddy. What happened?
Obviously, this is a more extreme example than the others, but it gives you an idea of the extent to which people can react when their foundations are undermined. Hugh’s Hope of Happiness had been “the good life”. His parents had always told him that if he worked hard and married the right person, he’d be happy. However, Hugh’s understanding of true happiness is very shallow. When daily life got routine, his work was no longer satisfying and his family seemed to be taking from him more than it was giving him, he simply gave up. “I made all these sacrifices in order to be happy. Since I’m not happy, I must have missed out on something somewhere along the way. I have to go and find out what that is.” Hugh would call this “following my heart.” In fact, he is running away from reality.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Pier Giorgio responds: The faith given to me in Baptism surely suggests to me that of yourself you will do nothing; but if you have God as the center of all your actions, then you will reach the goal.
Let us Pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, teach me true poverty of spirit. Help me understand that God cares for me; and that He asks me, in return, to care for others, especially those in need. Guide me to make choices in my life which will show a preference for service of God and neighbor, rather than accumulating financial wealth and social advantage for myself. Give me a special love for the poor and the sick.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is the Lover of the poor, all the grace necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask for the Lord to grant peace, clarity and loving guidance in your discernment journey)
A Book of Prayers in honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
BRAIN STORM
1. What are My Dreams?
I’ve got a “Sense of Self” page and a “Source of Love” page. Now I make a “Hope of Happiness” page in my journal. Dividing it into two columns, I write on the left, “Short Term Expectations.” Then on the right, “Long Term Hopes.”
In the right hand column I answer the following question: What do I hope will make me happy? The more specific the better. Not just “I hope to be married” but married to what kind of person? Where would we live? What would we be doing?
Now in the left hand column, I write the expectations and requirements that must happen in the short term so that these future goals can be met.
Long Term Hopes: What do I hope will make me happy?
Short Term Expectations: What needs to happen first so those hopes can be realized?
EXAMINE MY HEART
2. What’s my Flexibility Factor?
Unexamined expectations. We all have them. In any given day, we approach work, rest, relationships, travel – you name it – with a whole list of pre-conceived unexamined expectations. One way you can recognize them is by watching – you guessed it – your negative emotional reactions.
For example, if you drive the same way to work every day, you may find yourself getting very angry one day without knowing why. Only by reflecting on your negative emotional reaction do you realize that you’re irritated because you’ve gotten stuck at every single traffic light this morning. Usually you’re at work by now! That’s a fairly neutral example. Consider your flexibility when your expectations aren’t met in areas that are important to you. Do any of the planning & expectation patterns below fit you?
I am the master-planner. I want to organize my life so that I have a minimum of surprises. I am very irritated when someone alters the plan.
I am the list-maker. I live by my “to do” lists. I am unhappy when I can’t check everything off my list.
I am the visionary. I have great plans. Big goals. Still, I seem better at starting new things than seeing them through to completion.
I am the easy rider. I roll with the punches. Make few plans. Take what comes. I like living without the stress.
I am the spiritual guy/girl in waiting. I make no plans and wait on God’s initiative for everything. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting forever.
Other…
3. Dreams of the Future; Expectations of the Present
Here’s the reaction. Identify the Expectation. What’s the connection?
a. Colin’s Dream. Colin explodes whenever his sister taunts him about his singing. She knows she can get a rise out of him by saying, “Caw—LIN, you are, like, so off-key!” He spends hours in his room surrounded by posters of his favorite metal band, playing his electric guitar and writing songs.
What do you suppose is Colin’s long-term Hope of Happiness?
What is a critical short-term expectation that his sister is threatening?
b. Living with Laura. Laura, a college freshman, is furious with her roommate who never leaves their residence hall room. “It’s like she has no life,” Laura fumes, “She just studies and chats online ALL THE TIME. Doesn’t she have anywhere else she needs to be?” Laura’s high school boyfriend has gone to a different college than her. She always assumed they’d be together, forever. Now she can’t find a private place to Skype with him because her room is always occupied. They’ve said goodnight to each other every night since they were both sophomores back home, but it’s not the same talking by phone and these days Laura is always the one who calls him. Her roommate tries to be helpful. “If you want to Skype go ahead. I don’t eavesdrop when you guys talk. I can put on my headphones and listen to music.” That just makes Laura more resentful.
What is Laura’s long-term Hope of Happiness?
What is the short-term expectation that leads Laura to fight with her roommate?
c. BMW Abuse. Mike just drove his stepfather’s BMW into a tree. He wasn’t supposed to go anywhere near that car. Mike was supposed to be house-sitting while his parents were out of town for the weekend watching his younger half-brother compete in the state track and field finals. Mike’s brother has always been gifted in everything he does. But Mike struggles in school and just failed out of the University. Mike’s spending a semester at home and going to the local community college. His stepfather gets the call from the police, “Your car is totaled, but your son’s all right. We sent him home.” Father and mother hurry back. They find Mike web surfing on the family computer. “I’m looking for my real Dad,” he says, referring to his biological father who left his mother when he was three.
Mike’s Hope of Happiness is to find his own natural father. What do you imagine he hopes to find in his father?
What need or expectation do you think isn’t being met by Mike’s stepfather?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - The Simpsons, Season 6, Episode 2, “Lisa’s Rival,” Gracie Films/20th Television, 1994