Day 19. The Desire to Be Cool
If there’s anything more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
“I don’t care what anybody thinks of me. I am my own person.” About a week ago, we took a look at this particularly popular piece of self-deception. You may still be convinced that you’re not influenced by “the crowd.” Still, I hope you are willing to explore with me the possible holes in this confident assertion. Remember, we have much to gain from being skeptical of the “self” we present to ourselves.
Who, in your mind, is the “in crowd” among the people you see daily? Are you “in” or “out”? At some point, probably in middle school, it occurred to you that there was a firm and clear social separation between the “cool people” and the “uncool” Call them what you want – dweebs, nerds, geeks, dorks, losers – but the stigma of associating with those who were “out” was (and is) a painful reality. The social ladder was put in place a long time before you woke up to it, and just when you did finally get a clue, you probably found yourself somewhere near the bottom. So what did you do about it?
You may have chosen to work very hard to become one of the “in crowd.” Now, rule number one of being “cool” is that you cannot acknowledge that there really is such a thing as “cool.” To do so would be to act, well, uncool. Instead you have to sign onto an unspoken “cool contract” which carries with it a staggering list of social expectations, and a massive price tag. You must wear the right clothes, hold the right views, “like” the right posts, go to the right parties, join the right organizations, say the right things, etc. It’s very costly. Not only in terms of your wallet, but much more so in terms of your relationship with God and with yourself. In making the sacrifice to be “cool” one of the first things to go is your own unique identity.
Still, the very people who have given themselves over to being with the “in crowd” will strongly defend their independence, and each will cherish the idea that, really, “I am my own person.” Answer this question though (honesty please): Since Jesus came to associate with the lowly, the meek and the poor, how do you associate with the socially awkward person? How many of your friends are counted by your other friends as losers, geeks or dorks? Pardon the puns, but if your Christianity is worth its “salt,” you must live out the truth that the “geeks” shall inherit the earth. Do you love Christ in the least of these, his dearest, dorky friends?
Your other option upon awakening to the social strata of middle school is to have rejected the whole “in group” notion and to have proudly asserted your “outsider-ness”. You might have worn black clothing, dyed your hair or shaved your head. Maybe you got very interested in alternative music. Or maybe you just proudly did your own thing – whatever it was – and didn’t think much about being “cool”. Still it’s hard not to fall into similar patterns. Even amongst your alternative friends there becomes an “in crowd” and an “out crowd.” And if there isn’t one that you can see, it’s almost certain that you are not free from the desire to be accepted. Everybody wants to be “cool” to somebody. Probably you are watching the reactions of a few people you admire and modeling yourself on them. No? Think about it. Is there anybody out there who, if they were suddenly to brand you as a “loser” and reject you, wouldn’t deeply upset you? Wouldn’t it arouse a strong, negative emotional reaction?
Don’t be embarrassed by wanting to be accepted. We are social beings. We all need the acceptance of somebody. Hopefully you receive it from your parents, but many do not. That hurts. Even if you do experience your parents’ love, it’s not enough. So we look for a place to belong among the many social groups out there: jocks, gamers, party people, red necks, gear heads, hackers, activists, tech geeks…. And once we have found a fairly comfortable spot, we look back on the other groups of people with contempt. “I’m not as hung-up on my looks as they are....” we reassure ourselves – even as we ignore how much concern we lavish on our own image: clothes (it takes great care to appear as though you don’t care) or music or whatever.
As we continue our analysis of the soil that grounds our pillars, the sand of popularity – of social acceptance; being “cool” – makes for a particularly unstable foundation. Few of us may take the hard road of keeping up with the cool crowd, but we all find some social niche that grounds our Source of Love and extends under the foundations of our Hope of Happiness and our Sense of Self as well. For now, we don’t need to fix it. We just need to see it; acknowledge it.
Can you escape these social pitfalls by hanging around only with good Christians? Say, join a youth group at your Church? Does that exempt you from the whole cool/uncool dilemma? Surprisingly, one of the most dangerous (though most blessed) groups to choose to spend time with is the “spiritual people,” the “good people,” the “Christian people.” What?!
Please don’t get the impression that I’m pushing you away from the Church. It’s just that if you start spending time with good and godly people, you must be prepared for a fierce temptation (the greater the prize, the greater the potential to fall). When you become a member of a church group, you can gradually begin to hold everybody else in contempt. Once you’re in the Christian “in crowd,” you may stop associating with all those sinful people you used to know. Granted there are some past friends you may have no choice but to avoid – simply to be around them is a great temptation for you to fall into old patterns of sin. But that doesn’t mean cut all ties and burn all bridges. Otherwise, you may begin thinking of yourself as better than they are, or treating them with contempt. Find ways to express your continuing friendship with them without allowing yourself to be placed in compromising or tempting situations. If there is no way to do this, you should excuse yourself from any further interactions with them, but always with the most charitable assessment in their regard. “If it were not for God’s grace, I’d still be living like that, too.” If we allow ourselves to think we have risen above them by our own virtue, we risk turning into modern day Pharisees. Look out. It’s subtle.
Again, I encourage your participation in a good church group and your association with Christian friends, but I also encourage you to spend time with other groups – it’s a powerful reminder that the Spirit of God is at work everywhere inviting all to know Christ Jesus. And no matter which group you call your own – the Christians, or the jocks, or the “in crowd”, or the dorks – make sure that the one thing you do reject is pride. Let’s all tear up our membership cards for the “better-than-you” club.
Novena Prayer
Renewal of Consecration to Mary.
Mary, please intercede for me during this Discernment Novena.
You heard the voice of the angel and trusted in the plan of God,
Teach me to listen and to trust.
You pondered in your heart the mystery of God’s unfolding will.
Teach me to silently reflect and discern.
You yielded to the power and grace of the Holy Spirit; gratefully receiving His gifts
Teach me to receive the gifts of the Spirit in my life.
You courageously followed the path marked down for you by God – even to the foot of the cross.
Teach me to be courageous in bearing with Jesus my own cross.
Mary, my mother, I consecrate myself to you for the duration of this period of discernment.
Please pray for me that when the time is right, I will respond to God’s invitation in the same words as you:
“I am the servant of the Lord. Let it be done to me as you say” (In my own words, I ask for Mary’s intercession for anything I’m struggling with or that I need related to my discernment journey).
Amen.
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
EXAMINE MY HEART
1.“Don’t label me!”
We all hate being labeled by others, right? When we buy clothing, tech or a new car, though, how much do we let ourselves be labeled? Do a quick check. How many externally visible manufacturers’ labels am I wearing right now? Have I ever bought something because of the label or brand – note, not because of the quality or workmanship, but because it was the “right” label to be associated with?
What was it and why that/those brands?
Reversing the question: what brands or labels would I refuse to be seen using/wearinig...even if offered to me for free? Note, it may not be a brand. What about some outdated type of tech I would never be caught dead using? Honesty please.
2. Who am I following?
Looking around my room (if I’m not home, I’ll do so in my mind’s eye) what pictures of stars and famous people do I have hanging up (leave out the sacred images)? What about the celebrities I follow on social media?
What is it about these people that makes me admire or follow them? List one or two qualities that I admire about each (to avoid distraction, try to do this from memory, rather than going to the app).
3. No Dorks, Please
Is there someone in my circle of friends whom I often exclude?
…when out on a Friday night with other friends, this person shows up and everybody rolls their eyes (“who invited so-and-so?”)
…when the whole crowd from work goes out to a lunch buffet, I get my food and look for a seat. There’s one beside this person, but my eyes continue scanning the group to see if there’s any seat available next to someone who is “more fun.”
…when planning a party, I feel a pang of guilt when I decide not to call this person.
Reflect: Why am I tempted to exclude them? There might be good reasons, but there also might be something deeper, something the Lord wants to speak into. Lord are you speaking through my negative reaction to this/these persons. I write any thoughts that come here or in my journal.
BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE
4. Whom did Jesus party with?
Then (Jesus) said to the host who invited him, “When you hold a lunch or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or your wealthy neighbors, in case they may invite you back and you have repayment. Rather, when you hold a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind; blessed indeed will you be because of their inability to repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.
Luke 14:12-14, NAB
What do I think Jesus might say to me if I invited him to my party, but excluded someone whom I find uncool, embarrassing, narrow or awkward?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Ballantine Books, New York, 2009 edition, ch 12