Day 66. Just Friends?

Part 3: A Temple

Aug 6

The sun eventually rises, its light slipping through cracks and illuminating Peeta’s face. …This perplexing, good-natured boy who can spin lies so convincingly the whole of Panem believes him to be hopelessly in love with me, and I’ll admit it, there are moments when He makes me believe it himself. At least, we’ll be friends, I think.
Katniss, *The Hunger Games*

In God’s temple, sexual difference matters. It is an important criterion for access. When we apply this to the temple of our relationships, we should respect the uniquely intense powers of attraction that bind man to woman and woman to man. This means that we should not too carelessly permit a member of the opposite sex to enter the Hall of Commitment – not even as a Faithful Friend – without a profound awareness that she or he may become the One.

Attraction is not the same for all, it’s important to note. The faithful Catholic who is attracted to same-sex rather than opposite-sex partners is faced with different temptations. For these discerners - committed to Christ and living chastely - friendships of the male/female variety can pose no temptations at all. In such circumstances, it’s reasonable to ask, “How does this apply to me?" Much of what follows in this meditation is directed to opposite-sex attraction, it’s true, but there is still insight to be gained so I offer these suggestions. Use them if they're helpful. Ask the Lord's guidance as you read. The potential for unwanted romantic feelings and unexpected emotional bonds is very real nonetheless. Reflecting on your own experience, try to see where forming close friendships has presented challenges. Invite Jesus to speak into these experiences. Don't close off from what is offered below, even if much seems inapplicable to you. In faith ask, "How, Lord, are you speaking to me here? Where might this be helpful for me?"

For Catholics attracted to the opposite-sex, the notion that a man and a woman can be “just friends” presents problems. Of course there are examples of good friendships between man and woman that never turn romantic. Yet anyone who finds himself or herself in a mixed-sex friendship must be aware that it could turn romantic. The louder one denies it, “Oh, not him, I could never be interested in him,” or “why, she’s more like a sister than anything else…”, the greater the potential danger due to blindness. What’s worse, if the relationship should turn romantic, the pair would probably be the last to realize it. Mutual friends, classmates or coworkers will see it far sooner than they. And once romantic feelings break into view, it is too late to repair the old relationship. Extreme measures may be called for.

You can see now why an important condition for beginning this Novena was the change in your relationship with any friend for whom you might, unknowingly, harbor a romantic interest. How easily they can approach the Veil without our realizing it and become contenders for attention and affection with our Lord whom we contemplate as Ark (Lord) to our Altar (Person).

How do we know if a close friend is tending towards becoming “the One”? There are probably many signs, but watch for this in particular: exclusivity. Do I begin to expect increasingly exclusive access to this person? Do I prefer to be alone with him or her? Are others welcome into our circle? Am I jealous of his/her other close friendships? Would I, to offer a mental experiment, have any problem if one of my other close friends were to begin dating this friend?

Recognize that we are likely to deceive ourselves here. Pray for the grace to honestly assess your attachment to your opposite sex friends and for the courage to change relationships accordingly. Your future spouse, whoever it is, will expect no less from you. Don’t imagine that these problems will go away once you have made vows to your lifelong, exclusive partner!

Just friends. This qualifier covers a wide variety of opposite-sex relationships in my experience. The fact that same-sex friendships don’t usually receive the “just” clarification is worth noting. A “just friends” relationship between a man and a woman is always awkwardly trying to define itself against external or internal suspicions or expectations of “something more.” The illusion is one of mutual contentment. I have observed, on the contrary, that one or both of the parties involved would in fact be open to “more” if the real possibility presented itself. While one waits for the other to become open, one accepts the title “just friends” without complaint, but quietly swallows his or her discontent.

The other party may be afraid to offend…or, to be “mean.” So the relationship meanders along in a fog of ambiguity going nowhere. I can’t think of any way to avoid this situation. As long as one partner is afraid to openly desire and the other to openly deny, they seem stuck in sustained and painful aimlessness.

There are also, among the ranks of the “just friends,” those who have ended a dating relationship. There is an expectation today that if a couple should break up, they will remain friends. Some take great pride in listing the number of former boyfriends or girlfriends with whom they are still in regular contact. All this feeds a lingering confusion, “Is this over, or not?” From a Christian perspective, it is not unkind to have no further contact with someone you’ve dated in the past. I ask you to consider, in fact, the opposite: is it kind (that is, loving) to keep a friendship going with all the confusing signals I have described?

If the just friends relationship is between two who were involved sexually, there is a more urgent reason to break all ties. They place themselves in temptation by keeping lines of communication open. Once someone is allowed to enter the inner sanctuary of another person’s body, they become bonded there in a powerful way [1]. It will be difficult to deny access to sexual intimacy in the future. If they approach the veil again, the old attractions will likely come back with full and, possibly, irresistible force.

I do believe that friendships can exist between members of the opposite sex, but with a strong word of caution. Both must understand the risks and be deeply committed to guarding themselves and protecting each other from forming unwanted romantic attachments. Most often that means certain personal topics of conversation will be best avoided. Times for relating should be balanced with times well-protected for being apart. Both would be wise to avoid all signs of exclusivity and any hints of the romantic. Both will allow space if the other should want to start dating someone else. And should either friend move toward marriage with a third party, this should be welcomed and supported.

As we conclude this reflection I want to acknowledge that the Bible treats male/female differences very differently than we do today. Instead of dismissing this as old-fashioned or calling it discrimination, look deeper. The exclusive access of males to the inner courts of the Jerusalem temple was not due to any inherent superiority of maleness, but due to the sign value of “male” versus that of “female” in God’s economy of worship. There is much we don’t understand here, and it is best to simply admit it. Man and woman share equal dignity in God’s design, but our sexual differences highlight distinct features of the Divine likeness. There are no implied favorites in the arrangement.

If we are tempted to see in the maleness of priesthood a preference on God’s part for men, we should consider the life of Jesus. Indeed, it has been our aim all along to reach the point where, applying what we’ve learned about intimacy and access, we reflect on the example of our Lord. How did he organize his relationships? I think we will see that women were hardly excluded. Their place among the followers of Jesus was intimate, privileged and certainly not “second-class.”

**Novena Prayer**

**Jesus says:** “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”
**Pier Giorgio responds:** I beg you to pray for me a little, so that God may give me an iron will that does not bend and does not fail in His projects.
**Let us Pray:** Blessed Pier Giorgio, lead me in the path of purity, for only those who are clean of heart can behold God’s face. Help me to be faithful to the covenant I have made with God in Baptism, that I may always be loyal to His command and thus offer Him sincere worship. Show me by your life how to be single hearted and completely, unswervingly, dedicated to proclaiming the Kingdom of God here on earth.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is pure love and holiness, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (for the grace to see others as jewels and not as tools – to serve them and love them with the heart of Christ.)
*A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter*

Make it My Own

Daily Discernment Workbook

BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE

1. I Might Be in a Relationship

Long before we’re “official” (profile pictures updated, etc.), some of my “just friends” relationships can change into something more than friends. Having made room in my life for this time of discernment, I take the opportunity the added distance affords me to consider some of these close “just friends” relationships. They may in fact be harmless, but they also may conceal deeper feelings. Using the questions below, I think about my “just friends” relationships – any that I placed in my temple as closer than Familiar Friend.

I’m disappointed whenever I check my messages and there’s nothing from him or her.