3rd Advisory Meeting
On or After the Candidate Completes Day 24
Description: We have now begun the discernment proper and reflect together on the first 15 days. This meeting should help the candidate successfully understand and apply the first part of the Allegory of the Table of Self Knowledge.
Preparation Points –
Contact the candidate a few days early to confirm this meeting. Ask the candidate to review his or her journal and highlight those insights or questions that seem most significant. The idea is to make the candidate ‘distil’ his or her thoughts and bring you the essence as opposed to going through every day’s entries. The candidate has a document “Meeting with My Advisor” that explains the process of preparing for the meetings.
Ask Them to Fill Out and Bring the Chart that Follows Day 13. There’s something called a “Soil Sampling” chart that comes up early in the Novena. Remind them to bring it (even if they weren’t able to figure out how to fill it out).
How long does a meeting last? The meetings should usually run somewhere around an hour to an hour and a half. Candidates who are more conversational will likely go the full length, but it’s no problem if the meetings run shorter. Those who aren’t used to talking about their spiritual lives may have relatively few things to say. That’s okay.
Meeting Agenda
Review the 9 Novena Commitments (and remember to finalize their media fast decisions which are mentioned in Day 11). See if anything needs adjustment or clarification. Are they keeping their commitments? Are they imposing too great a burden in any dimension of their life? Be especially attentive to their food fasting patterns. There’s a tendency to go to either extreme – way too much or way too little. Make sure it’s not negatively affecting their ability to fulfill their daily responsibilities, but also make sure that they do experience hunger. Help them to connect this with their soul’s hunger for God, their sorrow for sin, their desire to live less focused on food and for a greater solidarity with the poor. Look out for someone pushing themselves to fast a lot. Sometimes it’s pride. To counter this I offer my own approach. I try to fast more than I want but less than I can. Keep your eyes open also for someone who may have an eating disorder. For them, no food fasting is permitted. Their “fast” is to eat a proper diet with adequate calories daily. This portion of the meeting should go no longer than 10 minutes unless a significant concern or question arises.
Is there anything from your journal you’d like to share? This can be your usual lead-off question going forward. They’ll know to expect it.
Ask the Candidate: How is the Table Allegory working for you? Do you understand it? Do you find that you can apply it to your life? This part should take up the main portion of the meeting: helping the candidate make successful application of the Table of Self-Knowledge to their own life. If you are unable to read this portion of the Novena in full, a few days that are most helpful are Day 16, which begins with a simple summary of the allegory as it has developed over the first week. The others are Days 13, 14 and especially 15 which applies the allegory to a hypothetical situation which most young people would find easy to understand. Lastly, and most useful is the Soil Sampling worksheet that follows Day 13 which shows the three pillars from a below ground view and invites the candidate to begin identifying her/his Sense of Self, Source(s) of Love and Hope of Happiness. There’s more about this below. Remind the candidate that this is just a first try at naming whatever grounds their pillars and encourage them to use the tools provided in the Novena to keep improving on the lists in the days ahead.
An unusual approach to Self-Knowledge. You should be aware that, as a path to greater self-understanding, I ask the surprising question: “Whom do you hate?” As the meditations explain, this is not to say that hate is acceptable, nor to dwell on negativity, but only to use our negative emotional reactions as a reliable path to uncovering our deeper attachments. Identifying our irritations and reactions to other people in our lives is an innovative way of applying Jesus’ teaching about the plank and the speck (Mt.7:3-5).
Here’s the application for the candidate: When you see something wrong in another person, rather than condemn them, use the reaction to recognize your own faulty foundations. In other words, those planks of negativity can be turned into useful building blocks to self-knowledge! Don’t be alarmed or uncomfortable if you have to “coach” the candidate and help them recognize people that they “hate.” They’ll resist that word, so it helps sometimes to bring it into the realm of “people I have a hard time being around,” or “people who, when they walk in the room, I can’t help but feel my insides twist.”
“I don’t need to know names.” Since this portion of the Novena deals with people the candidate doesn’t like, it is advisable to ask the candidate not to mention names of the people he/she feels negatively toward, especially if you might also know them. The purpose of identifying negative, emotional reactions to others is not to judge them but to judge oneself. Try to keep the focus on self-knowledge not on tearing down others.
Sort the People You Don’t Like into Two Groups. What we’re trying to identify together is the cause of the negative feelings. In this regard, I ask the candidate to divide the people into “Those that I know why I react negatively to them” from “Those that I’m not really sure why I react negatively to them.” Though you can gain insight from either group, the second group is most enlightening. Once they have some people in mind, try to help them in identifying the negative feelings as well as times and circumstances when they arise. What triggers these feelings? Then ask, “What do these feelings tell you about yourself?” This is where reviewing Days 13, 14 and 15 is most helpful.
An example from my own life might help. In my first year of art school I had a roommate in my housing suite that I hated. I had never really hated anybody in my life so I found this realization troubling. What bothered me most was that the man was very smart, funny and friendly – all great qualities! Why did I react so negatively to him? Only through prayer did I discover that I hated him because he had so many qualities I wanted for myself. Vanity? Pride? Jealousy? Yes, all of these. But God didn’t condemn me by this realization. Instead he showed me greater self-knowledge through this roommate. I felt threatened by him in my own pillars, but in the process I realized what grounded my pillars. Happily, by the end of the year we became friends and we remain so to this day.
Applying the Table to Men and Women: There are a few things to note about the different ways men and women will respond to the Table of Self-Knowledge. A man will often place his Sense of Self in his capabilities – being able to ‘get the job done.’ In this regard, he might “hate” people who cut corners or get credit without doing the necessary hard work. To fill out the picture, help him to identify other aspects of his Sense of Self by discussing not only whom he hates, but also whom he admires and doesn’t admire along with the qualities that stand out in each case. Women will find self-reflection generally easier, but they will probably have more difficulty with the word “hate.” Using alternative phrasing, as mentioned above, can help. But it’s also important to know that the candidate, male or female, is probably nervous about “What my Advisor thinks about me” (to learn more, see document “CPI: Self Consciousness.”). Even if you’ve created a very relaxed, non-judgmental environment in your meetings, there will likely be hesitation in sharing one’s less-than-flattering attitudes about others. And as you may know, women in particular will share in ‘layers.’ A woman will give you, the Advisor, some personal information but will also withhold or simply hint at other truths. She is often looking for reassurance that you can be trusted with more sensitive matters – something you’ll have to demonstrate rather than state out loud. As trust grows, the layers will be revealed more fully. Patience is the important virtue in this regard.
Soil Sampling: More About the Chart that Follows Day 13. As already mentioned, this is a helpful tool for identifying the foundations of the candidate’s three pillars: Sense of Self, Source of Love and Hope of Happiness. Ask them to show you their worksheet and try to add qualities to the list that grounds each pillar based on whatever comes to light in your “Who Do I Hate?” exploration. For example, if I “hate” people who always try to be the center of attention, maybe under my Source of Love I should note a similar desire for people’s attention as an avenue to being loved. If I “hate” a person who got a position or award I felt I deserved, maybe one element of my Sense of Self is that I’m an achiever. As you fill out the various lists, one helpful explanation: under the third pillar, the Hope of Happiness, we distinguish between long term dreams and short term expectations. The dreams are often easier to identify (please encourage your candidate that it’s okay to have dreams!) but if they can’t think of any, helping them identify their short term expectations – getting top grades, or acceptance into a good program of graduate studies – are good places to start. Also, even if they’re open to a celibate vocation, it’s alright to say that their dreams include marriage and family life. In fact, it’s useful to ask them to be more specific: what qualities would you look for in a future spouse? Where would you like to live? etc.
What if They’re Not Getting It? I’ve found the Table of Self-Knowledge to be a useful allegory even when the person doesn’t succeed in drawing application to their own life. Keep rolling along and also praying for the person that God will bring to light those foundations whether the “Who Do I Hate?” question is the key or not. More on this below.
A Note of Caution: Sometimes if a candidate has a poor self-image, the process of self-reflection becomes negative and condemning. Remind them that the context of exploring ourselves is God’s infinite love for his daughters and sons. As St. Catherine of Siena wrote, “If self-knowledge and the thought of sin are not seasoned with remembrance of the blood [of Jesus] and hope for mercy, the result is bound to be confusion.” Be aware that the candidate may need to take a break from the Novena if she or he is starting to sink into depression or excessive anxiety.
5. Looking Ahead: Before concluding, schedule your next meeting with the candidate for about two weeks from this meeting. The question may arise: “If I finish this stage of the Novena, should I wait for our meeting or continue to the next part (the Temple of Relationships)? As the Advisor you can decide what’s best. I usually tell them to keep going even if we can’t meet for up to three weeks, or longer!
Preparing for a General Confession: At the end of the next stage which concludes the first thirty-nine days, the candidate will be encouraged to make a general confession. Instruct her or him to make arrangements with the priest at least a week in advance, since such confessions take time. If you know a priest who has good pastoral skill and the ability to connect with the needs of your candidate, feel free to make recommendations. Here’s a handout explaining how to prepare to make a General Confession that you can share with the candidate - either as a link or printed and given to the candidate.
Advisor Review: How’s It Going?
Once the 3rd Advisory meeting is over set aside time to pray and reflect. By now you have an initial idea of how the meetings are progressing. It’s a good time to make observations and adjustments.
Some issues that may arise:
The candidate isn’t really engaging with the material. This may happen in two ways:
We often get side-tracked on things that don’t pertain to discernment. It’s sometimes necessary to say something – to point out a lack of focus if this is what you’re noticing. There are a variety of ways to talk about the material and any of the work book questions can give ample opportunity for reflection and sharing. So if staying on-topic is a constant difficulty, it could be a sign that the person finds this approach to discernment distasteful – too structured, too challenging or just too confusing! Going off on tangents may be a passive avoidance device. It’s not easy to talk about some of these things, and the candidate may be trying to work up the courage to go deeper. It may also simply be the candidate’s normal way of relating – a free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness mode. You can ask about this if you feel you have a good rapport. Keep doing what you can to bring discussion back to the material. If the problem persists and the person is becoming closed off, remember that you are always free to discontinue your meetings for a time if you really don’t think she/he is engaging with the Novena. This is not a judgment about their vocation, but a decision that the timing or material don’t seem to be right for the candidate’s needs. Be sure to give the candidate fair warning in a face-to-face setting if you’re considering this option. Let them respond to your concerns and be open to making necessary adjustments if these seem to show promise.
The candidate just doesn’t seem to “get it” or be able to apply the material to her/his own life. This is a fairly common experience and I have found it challenges me to grasp the material better myself and find new ways of connecting the Novena to the candidate’s life. Most young people, especially in this media saturated culture, are non-self- reflective. They have neither the tools nor the words to explain what’s going on inside. This means you’ll have to be patient and work with what they give you. I have come to the end of many meetings thinking, “I’m not really sure what we accomplished today.” That’s okay. God is still at work and the Holy Spirit is the primary agent of this discernment. Keep praying for your candidate and ask the Holy Spirit to grant you insight. Be on your guard for self-condemning or self-critical thoughts like, “This would be going better if I were a better Advisor” or “We’re not clicking so I had better bow out before I do more harm than good.” Spiritual life may be fairly familiar to you, but it’s almost certainly new to your candidate. If you find the meetings are short or the discussions less than satisfying don’t give up. Putting words on one’s spiritual life is a skill that is difficult for a young person to learn but well worth the effort.
The candidate comes unprepared for our meetings. The expectation, spelled out in the Novena (here’s the handout), is that the candidate comes to each meeting having looked back over the material they’ve covered since the last meeting, including their notes and workbook reflections. They are asked to prayerfully identify insights, topics or times when the material spoke to them in a particular way and be ready to discuss these insights in greater depth. If this isn’t happening, what happens next? If you send reminders for the candidate to review their workbook notes and you still find them arriving with little or nothing to say, it’s best to acknowledge this by asking open and honest questions. “I notice we run out of things to talk about fairly early in our meetings. How is the material working for you? Are you having any trouble with it?” Try to draw out their own observations in identifying issues as well as inviting them to work out solutions. The goal is to expect the person to take responsibility for her or his own discernment. Some people are very passive. She/he may simply look at you and expect you to explain things or carry the conversation (more on this below). To the extent you can coach them on preparing for the meeting, this may provide some improvement. If you discern that they’re really not trying very hard (so it’s not a lack of ability but a lack of investment), you can say so. As mentioned elsewhere you are always free to end or temporarily suspend the Novena if the person doesn’t seem willing to put in the necessary effort. There is no failure here on your part. Better to be honest about things than allow an unproductive discernment to continue.
The candidate is too focused on the vocation question. The Novena only addresses discernment directly in the last 30 days. Why so late in the process? The purpose is to take a step back from the immediate question of “What does God want me to do with my life?” to address more foundational questions like, “Who am I and what is God’s place in my life?” I’ve found that the young person obsessing over “Can I be happy without kids of my own?” or “Can I live without sex?” will never be able to engage the deeper issue: “Am I willing to open my life up to God without reservation?” For someone like this, 69 days is too long to wait on the central question of the Novena. Is your candidate continually talking about what life might be like as a priest or a nun? It may help to consider what’s going on. A young person in their early adult years is experiencing more freedom than ever before. It can be both exhilarating and terrifying. Their choices are no longer clear or simple (Which college? What major?) and they understand that the stakes are high. In fact, they often assume that mistakes are unacceptable. They are eager to show they can “do it right” whatever life may ask of them. So in discerning, they may try to actively engage in the only way they know how – by going directly at the question of vocation. Behind this may be a desire to exert a certain measure of control in a process that involves more surrender than they’ve ever seriously considered. Trusting God may disturb them. The evil one will certainly tempt them. Their own fears may overwhelm them “I just know God is going to ask me to give up everything!” Invite the person to trust God. Point out that asking honest questions about God’s will does not lead to a foregone conclusion of a celibate vocation.
I find myself doing most of the talking. Quiet people are especially challenging because you may feel the need to fill in the silence. Experienced spiritual directors have told me, “Don’t fear periods of silence.” I have to say that I don’t completely agree. There are times of silence that are good, but for young people there are also times of silence that trigger an internal fear reaction – “Uh-oh, it’s quiet! I feel awkward! I should say something! I don’t know what to say! I’m doing this wrong! I’m failing at this!” Despite reassurances, many young people are anxious to avoid such awkward pauses. Our biggest enemy is discouragement – the settled opinion in a candidate’s heart that “I’m no good at this.” So you may, in fact, have to do more talking than you like. Work on asking questions that draw out a longer response. Rather than asking, “Is there anything in this part of the Novena you want to talk about?” (which can lead to an awkward flipping through a notebook and maybe a shrug) try asking, “Did anybody irritate you this week?” or “Can you tell me about a relationship that’s really difficult for you right now?” Keep trying until you find something connected to the material they feel comfortable talking about. In the early going you’re still earning their trust. Quiet people, in my experience, are often processing the material and what you say very deeply. They take more time to put things into words but there’s usually a lot more going on inside than you might assume. Encourage them to read from workbook/journal entries if this seems to be helpful in getting their thoughts flowing.
We’re barely going below the surface. Trust, as I mention elsewhere, is like opening a bank account. You put some money in and it slowly builds interest. At some point you have enough to start investing. Likewise, the candidate gives you trust in an initial way at the start of the spiritual advising relationship. That trust grows as the person gets to know you. Some people are quick to trust – to invest more in the relationship by opening up – but others are cautious and the process is quite slow. Earning trust can only be accomplished through consistent care. Time is the deciding factor. There is also the possibility of inability. Some people, in my experience, are simple – as in, uncomplicated. This doesn’t mean they are shallow. It only means that their concerns are relatively clear and straightforward. This is not a bad thing, but adjusting to what they have to say, and making what you can out of it, is a good pastoral skill to keep developing. Finally there is the possibility of actual shallowness. The person may be content with a minimal grasp of her or his inner world. The Novena material is designed to help the candidate put words and pictures on their spiritual experiences but sometimes people don’t find they are willing or able to connect their experiences with the meditations. They have to want it, and some people, once they realize what the Novena is about, lose interest.
These meetings are bringing up a lot of heavy stuff. I (and/or my candidate) feel overwhelmed! Most of the issues discussed above have to do with lack of engagement with the Novena material. It may also happen that the material brings up too much! There is no expectation that you will cover everything the candidate wants to talk about – especially if your candidate likes to talk! The idea is to spend an adequate amount of time (an hour to an hour and a half, tops) and trust the Holy Spirit to bring up what’s important during that time. The rest you can leave for God to work out. Keep moving along and trust that grace will continue to work in the person’s life during, but also long after, the Novena is concluded.
Sometimes, though, there are particularly sensitive things being brought out by the daily meditations. You can slow down the Novena process and stay with a certain section if it seems like God is opening up a lot of fruitful discussion (as stated in the introduction to the 99 Days, there is no “magic” or even necessity to finishing on time). Ask the candidate if it would be desirable to remain with the current meditations until your next meeting. This will require some clarification as to how to stay with the subjects and review the material (re-reading it? Reviewing the workbook portion only in greater depth?). If the person is experiencing significant distress due to painful things raised in connection with the Novena, you may explore with them whether seeking counseling would be beneficial. It’s always a virtue for us as spiritual guides to know when we’re in over our heads!
The candidate is too focused on the fasting. What to do? Most young Catholics are relatively new to the idea of fasting. Whether they approach this uniquely powerful spiritual discipline with too much dread or too much eagerness, you’ll probably have to coach them about the reasons for fasting: sorrow for sin, greater detachment from food in general, trust in God’s provision, “not by bread alone,” solidarity with the poor, etc. Also be on the lookout for signs that fasting isn’t bearing the right fruit. We’ve already considered the issue of eating disorders, but there is also the concern that eating too little will impair a person’s ability to do necessary work, for example, demanding coursework for a student. Be willing to adjust fasting commitments as the need arises. There’s also the danger of the person taking fasting too far due to a certain kind of pride. This is evident when they set high benchmarks (“I’m going to do a 40 day fast like Jesus!”) without communicating with you or discerning the decision in a careful, prayerful way. In answering the question, “how much fasting should I do?” I offer this formula: “more than you want, but less than you can.”
Self-reflection for the Discernment Advisor. There are two general positions you can find yourself in at this stage of the Novena: the meetings are going well or the meetings are not going well.
If the meetings are, for the most part, going well, ask the Lord to guide you as you guide the candidate. Consider how to draw the candidate’s own words out more effectively to reduce your own talking. Pray for your candidate and spend time in silent reflection asking for insight on what has been shared. See if anything stands out as meriting further exploration or “zooming in”? Make notes to yourself for your next meeting.
If the meetings aren’t going well in your opinion, set aside a good amount of time for prayer and reflection. Try to write down what expectations you had about the way the meetings would go and what you feel isn’t going the way it should. Ask the Holy Spirit to shed light on this. Ask yourself whether you are open to the candidate as she or he actually is rather than as you hoped or expected? Invite Christ into the question and ask for clarity. There should be no self-condemnation in this, but simply an honest openness. Ask for grace to make adjustments if you find your expectations are not lining up with your experience of the meetings or the abilities of your candidate. At this early stage it’s usually worth it to keep up your meetings, but there may also come a point in the future when you conclude that the candidate really isn’t making a reasonable effort or, in spite of their effort, is not showing good progress. For myself, I would only discontinue meeting if it was clear to me nothing was happening. I have not had to do this yet, but I expect it will happen someday.
