Day 58. Cleaning House
Jesus made a whip out of cords and drove them all out of the temple area, with the sheep and oxen, and spilled the coins of the moneychangers and overturned their tables, and to those who sold doves he said, “Take these out of here, and stop making my Father’s house a marketplace.”
John 2:13 - 16
What happened to the temple? Have we lost our way? We were speaking, four days ago, of the ark and the altar when we turned our attention to another image of intimacy between God and his people: marriage. This prompted an extended meditation on the great value of married life, the nature of vocation and the excellent call of celibacy that exalts marriage by sacrificing it. Have we forgotten the temple? No, we have begun our rebuilding project at the heart of it.
The na’os, or holy of holies is the dwelling place of God – the debir, or chamber within the chamber, veiled but penetrable, vulnerable, accessible only to the One. Such is the place of God within your body and within the great temple of your relationships. With a better understanding of this vital communion we can continue our efforts in the matter at hand: reconstruction. We invoke the Holy Spirit to be our guide as we work outward from the center rebuilding this temple according to the heavenly blueprint.
Strengthened by the love of God flowing from our inner sanctuary, we also invite Jesus to lead us in our rebuilding project: “Lord, rebuild my relationships according to your mind. Teach me to love as you love, to give as you give, to sacrifice as you sacrifice. Jesus, rebuild this temple so that it may be a house of prayer for the glory of God.”
Be forewarned: when you invite Jesus into your relationships, he’s going to clean house. Like his appearance in the temple quoted above, he will drive out all the self-serving motives that have infiltrated our relationships.
In other words, our mall model of relationships must go. Recall what we said about malls. While temples glorify God, malls serve themselves. The purpose of a mall is to profit the proprietors, to enrich the retailers – only secondarily does a mall benefit the shoppers. Applying this to our own relationships, we must consider our own profit-motives.
Prior to his pontificate, St. John Paul II wrote that the opposite of “to love” is not “to hate” but rather “to use.” We degrade those around us when we approach them not out of love, but primarily out of a desire to use them and to enrich ourselves. Is it wrong to seek advantages in relationships? No. But it is wrong to use another person primarily as a way of getting those advantages. It violates her or his dignity. What are the advantages I seek in relationships? I can think of at least four: popularity, possessions, pleasure and power.
When I consistently pursue the “cool” people over the unattractive or socially awkward people, I am using people in my pursuit of popularity. When I network with the wealthy to have access to their comfortable lifestyle and avoid the uncomfortable poor, I am using people in my pursuit of possessions. When I choose my friends based on “they make me laugh,” or “they’re a fun crowd to be around,” rather than “these are people among whom I can grow closer to God,” or “these are people in need whom I can serve,” I am using people in my pursuit of pleasure. And when I prefer those whom I can control or manipulate to those who challenge me to grow in virtue, I am using people in my pursuit of power.
If we view others primarily through a lens of “what’s in this for me?” or “what can I get from this person?” we are operating on the profit motive and our relationships will conform to the mall model. For many it’s so ingrained that it’s difficult at first to see the ways we use others. How then can we uproot this hurtful pattern?
The Lord will have to show each of us how we use others. He will give us the grace needed to reject such rooted habits. Here’s one practical strategy to consider: work on learning the art of listening.
The person who uses others often prefers to be served rather than to serve. Listening is an excellent way to reverse that pattern. Listening is the first act of love: a blessing to others and a simple but vital way of reestablishing relationships on the right foundations. These are the four “R’s” of listening:
Receive. Real listening is not passive. It requires being fully present. We often give others only half of our attention. We may carry on conversations with the television on or with loud music in the background. We may be distracted in a public setting by people-watching or simply disinterested in conversation that bores us. To receive is to set aside all our distractions (to the best of our ability) and to be lovingly present to the person who speaks. It means more than hearing her words, but also being attentive to her facial expressions, her gestures, and especially her eyes. All of these are giving us signals about what the person is communicating. To be present in love not only to the spoken but also the unspoken language of another person is no small act of service.
Reflect. Taking in the messages that are being communicated, we apply our knowledge to what has been said. How does it measure up with what you know about the person? How does it compare with your own experience? Resist the temptation to let your mind relive similar experiences you’ve had unless they are relevant and helpful for giving you a deeper grasp of the other person’s situation and needs.
Respond. For most of us, listening is simply waiting until our next opportunity to speak. We consider ourselves patient while we look for an opportunity to redirect the conversation towards things that interest us. This is not what is meant by responding. To respond is to say back to the speaker what you understand her to be saying. “Do I understand correctly that this is your experience…?” You’ll know if you’ve been listening well when the person smiles, or relaxes, or expresses emotions. She opens up. You’ll be amazed how much more a person is willing to say when she knows you are really paying attention and that you are for her. Still, there remains one key component to listening.
Remember. Once a person has entrusted to us her concerns, or pains, or dreams we must make a conscious effort to remember what has been said. Memory, I have come to understand, works like a muscle. If you exercise it, it grows stronger. So we begin the process of listening with relatively weak memories. Pray for the grace to remember what’s important in other people’s lives. In this way, you’ll begin to shift the focus of your thoughts away from “my plans/dreams/problems” to others’ and this, in turn, will lead you to pray for them. In this small way, the mall pattern of relationships begins its slow deconstruction.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”
Pier Giorgio responds: St. Paul says that “the charity of Christ urges us.” Without this flame, which should burn out our personality little by little and blaze only for other people’s griefs, we would not be Christian, let alone Catholic.
Let us Pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, teach me by your example of mercy to open my heart more widely to those in need, especially the poor and the sick. Guide me in extending that mercy both to friends and strangers, to those who love me and those who do not. Help me to reflect God’s own mercy, especially in words and deeds of forgiveness.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is gracious and merciful and just, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (in your own words, ask for the Lord to grant you grace in the struggle for purity of mind and body – especially in the area of chastity)
A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
EXAMINE MY HEART
1. Reciprocity, please!
Two people in a friendship will do well to consider their own motives and expectations if they want the bond to grow. Heavy or unreasonable expectations can crush a good friendship before it has a chance to mature. With that in mind, what are my friendship expectations? Brutal honesty now will save unnecessary grief and disappointment later. Do any of the characters described below resonate with me?
The Stealth Narcissist. “It’s okay to be self-centered, since my intentions are for the best.” Things go better when I’m in charge. I feel like I can anticipate other people’s needs pretty well, so I like to take the initiative with my group of friends and set out plans that make others feel included. When other people in my group make the plans, I always notice they don’t do things with proper consideration and care. I don’t judge them, but I also wait patiently for a chance to show I’m the better leader in most situations.
I see myself acting like this (yes/not really/not sure)
I have experienced friends like this (yes/not really/not sure)
If I answered ‘yes’ to the second question, how did I experience the friendship? How did it feel to have my ideas for group activities regularly shot down by the controlling friend?
The Needs-Meeter. “I look for friends who meet my expectations, but I never seriously wonder if my expectations are reasonable.” My friends are people I can count on to be there for me. That’s why I expect to hear from the people I care about when I post a sad comment online or Tweet a piece of good news. When friends don’t respond to me, after a while I let them know I’m unhappy. It’s just common decency to let me know you’re out there and you care. If I don’t get that affirmation, I figure this isn’t a real relationship and I consider you no longer a friend.
I see myself acting like this (yes/not really/not sure)
I have experienced friends like this (yes/not really/not sure)
If I answered ‘yes’ to the second question, how did I experience the friendship? Was it a pleasant or burdensome relationship?
The One-Sided Disconnector. “I expect to be understood by my friends with a minimum of effort on my part.” I shouldn’t have to be the one to tell my friends when I’m upset about something. A real friend would get that I’m down and understand why. It’s the same thing I’d do for anybody I consider close. My best friend used to be there for me like that. I could always count on being understood, no matter how weird I acted. I could be cold and disconnected for, like, a month and then call and say ‘what’s up?’ and we’d be right back to good friends. Anyway, we’re not friends anymore, sad to say. I tried to reach out and reconnect last March. It’s not my fault that I got no response.
I see myself acting like this (yes/not really/not sure)
I have experienced friends like this (yes/not really/not sure)
If I answered ‘yes’ to the second question, how did I experience the friendship? When did I notice how draining it was to talk with this friend?
Trust Means Giving Me What I Want. “Friends are people who support my goals no matter what.” I have a hard time trusting people. So many friends have let me down that I’ve become very slow to open up. It seems like just when I start getting close enough to let people inside they disappoint me. I was part of a life guard training team and was really interested in becoming president last year. Someone I thought was a good friend totally disappointed me when I told him I wanted the position. He said it’s something you have to earn through respect and that I hadn’t been with the team long enough. That was an eye-opener. The dude was totally against me even though I trusted him enough to tell him something very personal and important to me.
I see myself acting like this (yes/not really/not sure)
I have experienced friends like this (yes/not really/not sure)
If I answered ‘yes’ to the second question, how did I experience the friendship? Was it uncomfortable speaking my mind and disagreeing with this friend when I felt I should?
A Good Friend is Hard to Find. Based on the personalities above, come up with a description of a good friend using opposite qualities of these “friends.”
WORLD VIEWS
2. Bread and Circuses
Those who use others will themselves be used. In her popular three-part series The Hunger Games, author Suzanne Collins describes a future-world dystopia where the heroine, Katniss, knows she is a product being marketed, a piece of entertainment to be viewed by the masses, and a tool used by the powerful against the oppressed. The viewing audience in her future world of televised “kill-or-be-killed” games is described in the final volume, Mockingjay:
[Plutarch explained], “…in the Capitol, all they’ve known is Panem et Circenses.”
“What’s that?” I recognize Panem, of course, but the rest is nonsense.
“It’s a saying from thousands of years ago, written in a language called Latin about a place called Rome,” he explains. “Panem et Circenses translates into ‘Bread and Circuses.’ The writer was saying that in return for full bellies and entertainment, his people had given up their political responsibilities and therefore their power."
I think about the Capitol. The excess of food. And the ultimate entertainment. The Hunger Games. “So that’s what the districts are for. To provide the bread and circuses.”
“Yes. And as long as that kept rolling in, the Capitol could control its little empire. Right now, it can provide neither, at least at the standard the people are accustomed to,” says Plutarch.
How do I see this today? Have people given up their power for the sake of entertainment? How?
The buyer is sold. Think about the way we use our phones and internet. The Hunger Games reminds us of an uncomfortable truth: our lives are being looked in on. Katniss is being watched and so am I. With my every click someone gets a clearer idea of what I like and don’t like. With every online purchase, I show how I can be sold. With every Google search, I reveal where I can be found. Have I ever considered that in our consumer culture, I think I am the one buying, but I am also the product being sold? Or that in a voyeuristic culture, I think I am stealing a sneak peek, but I am the one being watched? How does this make me feel?
So what? Did I just shrug? Many young people do. Am I okay with being used by powerful marketing or political forces? They use the information I let them have through my online purchasing and entertainment to influence and even control me. Have I surrendered my power for “Bread and Circuses”? If so, how can I take it back?
CHECK OUT THIS QUOTE
3. Unexpected Renovations
Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.
C.S. Lewis, citing George MacDonald
Anything but this! The quote above describes the unexpected transformations God brings to a soul once he is invited inside. We often get more than we bargained for! What repairs or changes am I experiencing from God right now in my friendships?
What changes am I most fearful of?
Lord Jesus, I give you permission to make major changes in me. I’m tired of my own half-hearted efforts and dead-end dependencies. I don’t want the world to control me by tracking and manipulating my attractions, affections, addictions and obsessions. I renounce my attachment to entertainment media in the name of Jesus. I want your Lordship in my life. Only when I give you control will I find lasting freedom and deep, satisfying relationships.
Renew my friendships in the model of your Temple. Show me what it means to make myself a gift to others. I reject being just another taker. I repent of using others for meeting my needs. Forgive me Lord and teach me the ways of authentic love.
Amen.
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[1] Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay, New York, Scholastic Press, 2012, p. 223f
[2] C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, Macmillan Publishing Co., New York, 1978, p. 174
All Scripture quotes from the New American Bible, unless otherwise specified