Day 59. Man and Woman Breaking Bad Patterns
Princess Fiona: You didn’t slay the dragon?!
Shrek: It’s on my ‘to-do’ list.
Shrek, 2001
Yesterday we considered our patterns of using others and spoke about John Paul’s assertion that the opposite of “to love” is not “to hate,” but rather, “to use.” Continuing our reflections, we must address one way of using that surpasses all others.
The pursuit of pleasure – sexual pleasure – in male/female relationships is probably the most common and damaging expression of the pattern of using. We confuse lust – desiring a person as a tool for pleasure, with love – desiring a person as a jewel to treasure. We equate love with a strong experience of certain feelings, never pausing to wonder if the motives behind those feelings are selfish.
Love, as it exists in male/female relationships, can be informed by feelings, but it cannot be founded on feelings. We must go back to Adam’s moment of discovery when he first laid eyes on Eve: this person is not an object (for my use and abuse), but a subject (an individual, self-aware “I”) like me. “Here at last is bone of my bones (being of my being) and flesh of my flesh.” Like Adam in the garden – and we can assume Eve as well – we say, “here is one like me!” This recognition leads us to treat the opposite sex in a new way, or in an old way, if we see it as God’s original intention.
We are co-equal partners and helpmates. Man and woman are created by God to collaborate and cooperate in his governance of the earth. We are partners in creation and this reality affects all of our interactions – not just those of husband and wife. It is news to no one that men have long overemphasized the role of women as subordinates and helpmates, but have neglected to acknowledge the corresponding reality: that man serves woman as helpmate too. When we fail to see ourselves as equals and as helpmates, we don’t merely fail in mutual support. We become users, tempters, oppressors and destroyers to each other.
The primary enemy we face in male/female relations is lust. To use a medieval archetype, lust is the dragon that seeks to devour the damsel in distress. The damsel represents chastity – a pure and unselfish approach to sexuality, to the opposite sex and to self-gift. Each of us must take up arms and struggle to slay the dragon – first and foremost within our own bodies and in our own disordered desires. In doing so we not only save the damsel. We also save ourselves.
How can men and women end the sad cycle of mutual using and really help each other? No doubt there are many ways, but I’ll suggest just one. It involves a further reflection on the virtue we’ve already spoken of: modesty.
In my own experience, both men and women are tempters, and both are tempted by the immodesty of the opposite sex. But the temptations differ slightly. Women, quite often, are tempted by what they hear. Men, in general, are tempted by what they see.
Men, therefore, must watch what they say. A man tempts a woman when he knowingly or unknowingly misleads her as to the nature of their relationship and deceives her regarding his intentions. A woman’s desire is often for commitment, a stable male presence in her life, for affirmation, encouragement and recognition as an equal partner with a man. The man violates this desire when he, intending no future commitment, speaks of “us” and “our relationship” and (most tempting) “our future family/children” in a way that leads her to infer long-term commitment. He can also tempt her by flirting or by flattering her with excessive talk about her beauty, intelligence or pleasing personality. She may conclude from such attention that the man desires her.
If a man uses these words to seduce a woman (when there is no intention of commitment), it is an offense to God. Such a man is only a man in the biological sense. To be a man in character, he must become, among other things, a helpmate to the woman. To be worthy of the name, a man must say only what he intends in speaking of his relationship with a woman.
Since men are more often tempted by what they see, women can be helpmates by watching what they wear. As we have already observed, the physical beauty of a woman’s body often blinds a man to her more enduring inner beauty. When a woman conceals her skin, therefore, she reveals the treasure within. I must say that in this, however, I am very aware of a woman’s frustration. Our society’s obsession with physical attractiveness combined with men’s fixation on immediate sexual gratification leads many women to lower their standards. They see those who dress immodestly getting all the attention and fall by doing likewise.
Still, as daughters of God, women perceive the dead-end nature of relationships based on lust. And if she presents her body as a tool for pleasure, a woman will, no doubt, be used as such. Modesty may seem prudish and cold, but quite the opposite is true. Without modesty, there is no mystery in relationships – no invitation to seek, to wonder, to explore, to pursue and, in the end, to treasure. Without mystery, there is no romance.
I pray that the Lord will strengthen the young women of this generation: stand your ground and dress to uphold your dignity as daughters of the King. Likewise I pray for my brothers who are young men: don’t pay undue attention to women who present themselves immodestly. It encourages further immodesty and makes your battle for self-control more difficult. Speaking of self-control, brothers, while you’re at it, throw away your swimsuit calendars and delete all degrading images from your computer.
Novena Prayer
RENEWAL OF CONSECRATION TO MARY
Mary, please intercede for me during this Discernment Novena.
You heard the voice of the angel and trusted in the plan of God,
Teach me to listen and to trust.
You pondered in your heart the mystery of God’s unfolding will.
Teach me to silently reflect and discern.
You yielded to the power and grace of the Holy Spirit; gratefully receiving His gifts
Teach me to receive the gifts of the Spirit in my life.
You courageously followed the path marked down for you by God – even to the foot of the cross.
Teach me to be courageous in bearing with Jesus my own cross.
Mary my mother, I consecrate myself to you for the duration of this period of discernment.
Please pray for me that when the time is right, I will respond to God’s invitation in the same words as you:
“I am the servant of the Lord. Let it be done to me as you say.”
Amen.
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
DIFFERENT WAYS
Today’s workbook is about modesty as it relates to men and women. Since modesty is different for the sexes, we divide the material into two sections. Please go to the section proper to your sex and complete the questions for reflection.
For Women
EXAMINE MY HEART
1. Body Consciousness
Women have very different levels of concern about their bodies. Where am I at? Below I rate the following experiences on a scale from one to five (Note: this is only for me. Nobody else needs to see this).
1 = a major issue; 2 = a cause of anxiety; 3 = a significant irritation; 4 = a mild annoyance; 5 = no big deal.
Buying a new bathing suit.
My level of concern:
My comments:
Missing exercise for more than a week because of illness.
My level of concern:
My comments:
Having to wear a bridesmaid dress that’s tight around the middle.
My level of concern:
My comments:
GOING DEEP
2. Feeling Frustrated or Free?
How do I feel about the previous questions? Do I find myself getting angry or very sad? If so, I recall the Table of Self-Knowledge. Is there anything in my History of Hurts related to any of these situations above? (if not, I move to the next question).
Have I ever been teased about my body or felt passed over because of my looks?
Have I ever felt ashamed of my appearance? How often?
Do I find talk about my body and appearance puts me in a negative or combative frame of mind?
Could I conclude that I feel more pressure about my appearance than I like to admit? Why or why not?
WORLD VIEWS
3. Cultural Differences
Modesty, for women, usually concerns clothes. If I feel self-conscious about my body, that makes it much harder to talk about what is and is not proper attire. Add to this the issue of differing standards about what’s decent and what isn’t. The whole thing is so confusing! Is there any guiding principle here? St. John Paul II, before he was pope, offered this.
…We have already touched on the question of dress. It is one of the matters concerning which problems of modesty and shamelessness most frequently arise. It is difficult for us to go into details or to discuss the nuances of fashion in male and female dress… However, we can say that what is truly immodest in dress is that which frankly contributes to the deliberate displacement of the true value of the person by sexual values, that which is bound to elicit a reaction to the person as to a ‘possible means of obtaining sexual enjoyment’ and not ‘a possible object of love by reason of his or her personal value.’ [1]
What harm can immodest clothing cause to me and to others?
How might I figure out whether a particular outfit is tempting to men? Whom do I trust to give me honest feedback?
4. Emotional Immodesty
Have I ever dealt with an emotionally immodest guy? He tells me I’m special, “not like the other girls.” He shares personal things and opens up to me, often saying, “I feel like we understand each other.” He texts me all the time and shares pictures and songs that “remind me of you.” All this is pleasant enough until I figure out he really isn’t interested in anything more than friendship.
[ ] This has happened to me / [ ] I can’t relate.
My thoughts…
“He’s doing this on purpose!” If I’ve experienced something like the situation described above, I might get angry because I assume he knows how his behavior is distressing to me. But what if he’s not aware? What if he really doesn’t know how confusing he is? How can I help him realize what he’s doing?
A QUOTE TO NOTE
Marcela, in Don Quixote on Modesty in WomenBeauty in a modest woman is like a distant fire or a sharp-edged sword: the one does not burn, the other does not cut, those who do not come near it. Honor and virtue are the adornments of the soul, without which the body is not beautiful though it may appear to be. If modesty is one of the virtues that most adorn and beautify the body and soul, why should she who is loved for her beauty part with that virtue merely to satisfy the whim of one who solely for his own pleasure strives with all his force and energy to cause her to lose it?” [2]
What do I think of this quote? Do I agree? Disagree? Little of both? Why?
How does modesty make a woman more beautiful?
For Men:
REFLECT ON THE FATHERS
1. Of Maidens and Dragons
Legends endure because they convey deeper truths. Take the story of St. George and the Dragon. We might dismiss it today as a fantasy, but the legend has lasted so many centuries because it can teach timeless lessons. Read the story prayerfully.
The Legend of St George and the Dragon
Summarized from the Legenda Aurea, tr. by Caxton
A terrible dragon ravaged all the country round a city of Libya, called Selena, making its lair in a marshy swamp. Its breath caused pestilence whenever it approached the town, so the people gave the monster two sheep every day to satisfy its hunger, but, when the sheep failed, a human victim was necessary and lots were drawn to determine the victim. On one occasion the lot fell to the king's daughter. The king offered all his wealth to purchase a substitute, but the people had pledged themselves that no substitutes should be allowed, and so the maiden, dressed as a bride, was led to the marsh.
There St. George chanced to ride by, and asked the maiden what she did, but she bade him leave her lest he also might perish. The good knight stayed, however, and, when the dragon appeared, St. George, making the sign of the cross, bravely attacked it and transfixed it with his lance. Then asking the maiden for her girdle (an incident in the story which may possibly have something to do with St. George's selection as patron of the Order of the Garter), he bound it round the neck of the monster, and thereupon the princess was able to lead it like a lamb. They then returned to the city, where St. George bade the people have no fear but only be baptized, after which he cut off the dragon's head and the townsfolk were all converted. The king would have given George half his kingdom and the hand of his daughter in marriage, but the saint replied that he must ride on, bidding the king meanwhile take good care of God's churches, honor the clergy, and have pity on the poor. [3]
One Interpretation: For the purpose of this meditation, the story of St. George and the Dragon represents the struggle that goes on in every man’s heart. The dragon represents lust and the maiden represents a man’s internal attitude about women – not that they are weak, but worthy as beloved daughters of God. God is the king who clothes his daughter with purity and dignity. We want to think of women with respect and honor, but this understanding is threatened by the devouring beast of lust (for example in pornography). St. George represents the virtue of masculine chastity. He protects and defends a woman’s dignity in his heart by taming his own sexual desire and placing it at the service of chaste relationships. His noble desire is to glorify God and serve women without seeking personal advantage, a possible explanation for St. George’s choice not to accept the daughter’s hand in marriage. He is free to enter into a relationship or not, but either way his heart is pure.
New View. How have I tried in my life to change my view of women to make my attitudes more respectful and pure?
“But pornography doesn’t really hurt anybody.” Considering the story above, how would I argue against this claim?
Using is Losing. To objectify someone is to turn them into a tool for my pleasure. How does lust objectify women?
Damage Control. How might the habit of looking lustfully at women damage my ability to love women well in the future – whether as a husband, a father, a priest or a brother?
Write a prayer to St. George asking for his help in my battle against the dragon of lust.
I place this somewhere private where I can refer back to it from time to time.
BRAIN STORM
2. What is Emotional Immodesty?
Emotional immodesty is defined as the act of communicating relational availability that is insincere or careless. Flirting can often lead to this, but there are other kinds of emotional immodesty far more subtle. The following examples are all true and were done by men preparing to enter religious formation or the seminary. None of them realized they were acting inappropriately. Would you blame the women involved for being confused and frustrated with the mixed signals?
He shares deeply about his hopes, dreams and struggles with her in frequent, long conversations lasting late into the night.
He sends her poetry and songs that “remind me of you.”
He often refers to her as “my favorite person in the whole world!”
He invites her to his family’s house for Thanksgiving and walks with her on the beach.
He spends a weekend camping with her and sharing the same tent.
He says, “We have a special connection. I almost feel like we know what each other is going to say before we say it.”
His profile picture is him and her posing on the top of a mountain they hiked together.
As I consider these examples, do I recall ever having done something like this? What were the circumstances?
Do I feel God calling me to change any of my relationships with women that have become too “complicated” or confusing? Even if I don’t experience feelings or attraction, is it possible she does (even if she claims otherwise)?
A QUOTE TO NOTE
3. Secretly in Love
Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati was once in love, but the strict customs of the time prevented him from following his heart. Though Pier Giorgio’s obedience to his parents in this matter may raise questions for us today (it violates all our Disney-influenced ideas of love), it is remarkable that he never shares his feelings with the girl. From this we can see that a man who gains self-mastery can place it at the service of others. Such restraint saves the unnamed girl from developing hopes that can’t be fulfilled. By suffering silently he keeps her from suffering at all.
In the course of his expeditions to the mountains [Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati] made the acquaintance of one girl student for whom his usual impartial friendship, on his side, ripened into love. For various reasons he believed that this parents would not approve of his marriage to her. He confided the state of his feelings to his sister and one or two of his friends, but made no mention whatsoever of them to the girl concerned. He went so far as to introduce the girl to his parents, who had met many of his friends, and his fears of their disapproval being confirmed, he resolutely closed the episode, not without much mental suffering. He never disclosed the affection he felt for her to the girl and she made other friendships quite unaware of Pier-Giorgio’s devotion.
…When towards the end of his short life his unspoken love affair filled his heart with sadness, in the depths of his soul the same clear flame of integrity still burned clearly. He would decide nothing without the consent of his parents, nor would he do anything which could cast the slightest shadow of sadness over the girl herself. Anyone who has ever loved will understand the cost of this loyalty to uprightness and truth. [4]
Have I ever restrained myself from expressing feelings or affections that I knew could not be returned or acted on? What were the circumstances?
When a young woman falls in love with a man who can’t or won’t reciprocate, she may struggle with her feelings for years and years. How does this realization change my attitude about the dangers of men who carelessly show emotional immodesty towards their female friends? How might Bl. Pier Giorgio help me to improve in this?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] lead quote - Shrek, DreamWorks Animation 2001
[1] St. John Paul II (Karol Woltyla), Love and Responsibility, tr. by H.T. Willetts, San Francisco, Ignatius Press, 1981, pp. 189f
[2] Don Quixote, Miguel de Cervantes, Part II, Ch. VI
[3] The Catholic Encyclopedia; (accessed online 6/19/2023) http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/06453a.htm
[4] The Soul of Pier Giorgio Frassati, Robert Claude, S.J., tr. by Una Morissy B.A., Spiritual Book Association, Inc. 1960, pp. 87, 103
All Scripture quotes from the New American Bible, unless otherwise specified