Day 60. Love is Not Nice

A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world – and might even be more difficult to save.
C.S. Lewis, *Mere Christianity*

You may have the impression from what has been said about self-gift that our goal in relationships is to become as adaptable as possible. Maybe you think that we’re trying to avoid all differences and division. Don’t make waves, just listen. Tempt not. Test not. Judge not. Just be nice and focus on making others feel loved and comfortable. All this we do for the greater good of being at the service of our neighbor. This would be a false conclusion.

We have to be careful not to lose sight of the primary purpose of a temple: to glorify God. The first and greatest commandment is this: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30) This means that although we want to serve others, our service can’t come about at the expense of our primary loyalty to God. God reigns as Lord from the heart of the temple with the Ark as his footstool. Like the altar of incense that burns with love in front of the veil, our hearts are attentive to the Lord night and day – keeping watch over all our words and actions to see that they are pleasing to our beloved Master and most dear friend.

The second commandment, according to Christ, also bears careful consideration: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (emphasis added) (cf. v.31). The Gospel that teaches us to turn the other cheek and go the extra mile does not condemn us to a lifetime of being stepped on. Neither does it does it forbid disagreements with others, nor make a virtue of avoiding conflict at all costs. We must respect others, yes, but we must respect ourselves too.

“Be nice.” How often have you been told this? The world sets this out as our primary goal in relationships. Sounds nice. But not when being nice is defined as never judging the actions of others; being tolerant of outrageous and irreverent behavior or keeping one’s own religious convictions quiet while others feel free to openly ridicule God and his Church.

More and more young people are noticing the hypocrisy of today’s “tolerance” jargon. Those who preach tolerance are usually the least tolerant of Christian morals. Those who complain that Christians are pushing their beliefs on others are most vocal in pushing their own beliefs. Those who decry labels and stereotypes are quickest to throw around bigoted labels like “Bible-thumper,” or “homophobic.” And we tolerate it. Because we’re afraid of being labeled as “mean.” Or to put it another way, raising objections wouldn’t be…nice.

In his first letter to the Corinthians, St. Paul gives us the definitive description of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Notice that Paul never says, “love is nice.” I’m trying to differentiate between the authentic Christian virtues of kindness and patience on the one hand and “being nice” on the other. Love is kind, yes, and love is patient, but love is not nice.

A “nice” person is one who places greater importance on the approval of others than on the approval of God. Nice places the second commandment (love your neighbor as yourself) above the first commandment (love the Lord your God with all your heart…). The nice person assumes that God wants everybody to get along, so the logic goes that the Lord won’t object to our silence when we witness sinful or self-destructive behavior in others.

Kindness is a true characteristic of love. Kindness is neither cruel nor mean-spirited. Kindness is compassionate, considerate and keeps us mindful of our own weaknesses as we see the failings of others. Kindness only confronts when justice and loyalty to God requires it and when the good of the person we are addressing is being served. Kindness speaks clearly but also tenderly to avoid wounding another person’s pride. Kindness speaks privately and one-to-one so that only the one who needs correction hears what is said. Though kindness is neither clueless nor naïve, it overlooks a lot and only corrects a little (to paraphrase a comment attributed to St. Pope John XXIII). Kindness leads each of us to focus primarily on becoming the good person we seek to find among our friends. Kindness keeps the priorities straight: God first, others and ourselves second.

You know the price you will pay when you cease being “nice” and start to place the honor of God above the honor of others. Many will stop coming to you because they will feel ashamed or “judged” in your presence. It is likely that you will never say a word to them about their own behavior, yet they will intuitively perceive that you have grown “intolerant” and “narrow” in your views. But who is more intolerant and narrow? Isn’t it the one who demands unqualified approval for all his or her actions from a “friend”?

The mall sprawl will be drawn into an integrated whole as we give God his due and keep his place central and primary in the temple of our relationships. This is the meaning of integrity: being on the outside what you are on the inside. No longer do we cater to separate compartments or clusters of relationships. We admit to all that we are first and foremost faithful to God. Not in a pushy or self-righteous way, but certainly in all honesty.

Make it My Own

Daily Discernment Workbook

BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE

1. What Would Jesus Do?

Maybe we think Jesus was too nice to confront people or point out their faults. Did the teacher of “turn the other cheek” avoid confrontation and never give correction? Apply the example of Jesus to the following real world situations…

“My supervisor at the company takes credit for my best work…all the time! What should I do?”

Read Matthew 18:15-17

Write down one possible approach to this problem following Jesus’ instruction.

“My roommate never washes his own dirty dishes, but lets them pile up in the sink. Do I call him out on it?”

Read Luke 7:36-50

Write down one way you might address this situation based on Jesus’ approach.

“Two of my friends are fighting about their security deposit. When they moved out of their apartment, the landlord deducted the cost of repairs to one of their bedrooms from the deposit they gave when they signed the lease. They both came to me telling their side of the story. Whose side am I on?”

Read Luke 12:13-21

Following Jesus’ instruction, what might you say to this question?

BRAIN STORM

2. Holy, Nice or Self Righteous?

Look over the following list of characteristics. Write the ones that best describe each person listed in the columns on the next page: nice, holy or self-righteous. When done, pick out the top five characteristics for each personality by numbering them to the left. Remember our definitions: A holy person wants most to please God, and nice person wants most to please others. Add to this the self-righteous person, who wants most to feel superior - i.e. to please him or herself.

GOING DEEP

3. Love of Self vs. Self-Love: What’s the Difference?

Many saints warned against the sin of self-love. This causes confusion. Aren’t we supposed to love ourselves? Doesn’t the second great commandment state that we should love our neighbors as ourselves? We are correct when we realize that love of self is very good, but how can we recognize the difference between this and self-love based on pride? The Holy Spirit is our guide. The Holy Spirit, who is divine love personified, teaches us the ways of real love by his own example. The following meditation helps to distinguish between healthy, Godly love of self and ungodly, harmful self-love. We’ll modify St. Paul’s famous passage about love, first by inserting the Holy Spirit. Then we’ll modify it again and insert self-love, changing each quality to its opposite.

Love is always patient and kind. Love is never jealous. Love is not boastful or conceited. Love is never rude and never seeks its own advantage. Love does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing but finds joy in the truth. Love is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Therefore…	By Contrast…
The Holy Spirit is always patient and kind.	Self-love is always impatient and unkind.
The Holy Spirit is never jealous.	Self-love is always jealous.
The Holy Spirit is not boastful or conceited.	Self-love is boastful and conceited.
He is never rude and never seeks his own advantage.	It is always rude and always seeks its own advantage.
He does not take offense or store up grievances.	It takes offense and stores up grievances.
The Holy Spirit does not rejoice at wrongdoing but finds His joy in the truth.	Self-love rejoices at wrongdoing but finds sadness in the truth.
He is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.	Self-love is never ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.
The Holy Spirit never comes to an end.	Self-love will come to an end.

As I consider my own life, which kind of love is most evident in me? Am I more like the Holy Spirit, or am I ruled by self-love?

End with this prayer:

Holy Spirit, reconstruct my relationships in the model of God’s holy temple. Purify me of unrighteous self-love and show me the ways of generous, Godly love. May I truly love God above all and love my neighbors as myself. I give you permission to work in me a new pattern of love based on your example. Come Holy Spirit and remake me in your heavenly image. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

[0] lead quote - C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York, Harper One, 2001, Book IV, Ch. 10, p. 212

All Scripture quotes from the New American Bible, unless otherwise specified

Novena Prayer

Make it My Own

Day 59. Man and Woman Breaking Bad Patterns

Day 61. Letting Others In