Day 61. Letting Others In

Part 3: A Temple

Aug 11

*You're afraid of me. You're afraid that I won't love you back. And you know what? I'm afraid too…. I want to give it a shot and at least I'm honest with you.*
Skyler to Will, *Good Will Hunting*

We’ve spoken about dismantling our malls. But now we turn our attention to our walls. Remember that walls are what we build when others wound us. Though many young people pattern their relationships on malls, there are a greater number, in my experience, who hide behind walls. In other words there are many who have made a gift of themselves to someone else only to be rejected, humiliated or used. For these, the notion that relationships are about self-gift is particularly painful and offensive. “No thanks,” they say, “been there, done that, got burned, not going there again.”

We wall-builders are an odd group. We do a lot of pretending. We pretend that we’re not really interested in close relationships, when in fact we are terrified of them. We pretend we’re over our hurts when we can barely conceal the pain we feel. We pretend that we’ve learned our lesson, but we know that we are suckers for the secret hope of still finding the One.

We are the walking wounded. And we fan a smoldering flame of bitterness because we still recognize in our hearts the intense yearning to make a gift of ourselves. In order to resist this frightening, powerful inner drive, we disparage love, degrade the opposite sex or direct our affection to places that seem safer: a career, a hobby, or an intimate relationship with a member of the same sex (certainly not risk-free, but at least it’s less threatening).

You might think we’re going to talk about tearing down our walls. We’re not. Not all walls are bad. Walls can be appropriate if they’re correctly placed – and if they allow access in key places. Our walls, in other words, must allow for the strategic placement of gates. These gates represent access and trust. Have you barred or bricked over your gates? Made yourself invulnerable and impervious? Have you made the conscious or unconscious decision never to trust again? When, then, will you get tired of your lonely prison cell?

In healing our relationship hurts, the first step is always forgiveness. We have spoken of this before. In the table of self-knowledge we looked at our history of hurts and invited the Lord to begin the work of healing – a work that will be on-going even when this novena is a distant memory. Still, we did not mention that the healing requires a willingness to try again. Certainly we have become wiser through our hurts, but the road to restoration leads us back into the mix of relationships. Often with the very people (or kinds of people) who hurt us before.

I’d like to speak about boundaries. Despite our culture’s absurd presumption about total access (the notion that we are being dishonest or “hiding something” when we fail to allow people into every part of our personal lives) we must learn to hold ourselves back from total disclosure; total exposure. Boundaries are a key component of building intimacy. Intimacy requires that we conceal parts of ourselves and keep them off-limits to public access.

I offer, for this reflection, four stages of intimacy: acquaintance, familiar friend, faithful friend and spouse (i.e. the One). As we come to know others and allow ourselves to be known in turn, we place them at one of these levels. Knowing and guarding the boundaries between each stage is important if we are to build lasting, stable relationships.

Acquaintance. An acquaintance is anyone with whom we have an initial relational connection. Acquaintances are our classmates, co-workers, neighbors and other people we see on a regular basis. Our level of intimacy with an acquaintance would include disclosing to them our basic identity – name, nationality/ethnicity, occupation, birthplace, and some amount of explanation about our beliefs and life experience. It’s odd to list such things because it seems so obvious. We automatically run through the list whenever we meet someone for the first time.

Familiar friend. When we develop a closer connection with someone, our acquaintance becomes a friend. I divide friends into two categories with the key difference being the level of trust we assign them. In general friends are more proactive in their relations. The exchange of gifts is a sign that a relationship has moved to friendship. Friends use what they know about each other to support and encourage each other and gift giving is an important sign of that affirmation. For example, if your friend knows you like chocolate, he or she will give you gifts of chocolate. If you find out that your friend loves hockey, you’ll buy him or her tickets to see a favorite team – better yet, you’ll go together! The mutual or reciprocal nature of relationships calls for both parties to give, but there is no need to “keep score.” As long as both are giving something – time, trust, treasures – there is friendship.

These affirmations of our identity by someone else lead to deeper sharing and greater intimacy. We begin to reveal more sensitive personal information: our plans and dreams, our weaknesses and imperfections, our hobbies, our quirks, our fears and our affections. It should be noted that we cannot demand access to others’ lives based on our thoughtfulness or gifts. Intimacy can neither be purchased nor demanded – it must be given freely by both parties. Where it is not mutual, the relationship will gradually (or suddenly) come apart. On the other hand, where there is a growing trust the relationship begins to deepen and calls for greater commitment.

Faithful friend. There is a testing that any relationship will undergo. These trials are helpful for bringing things to light that would otherwise go hidden. Our motives in relationships are seldom pure. We all have selfish reasons for seeking friendship with others, but there can only be one legitimate reason: to seek the good of one’s friend. When others approach us as friends, but then for selfish reasons prove untrue, it can be painful. How many times, for example, have we shared personal information with (we thought) a friend only to find that this information was not kept confidential? Our privacy was not as important as their desire to be seen as “in the know” with their crew. Such experiences are burned into our memory and are difficult to forgive. The more we experience such betrayal the more we yearn for a faithful friend.

A faithful friend has been tested and found true. This is someone who is loyal to me no matter what. I have heard many descriptions of friendship, but the one I like best comes from scripture:

Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidant. When you gain a friend, first test him, and be not too ready to trust him For one sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress. Another is a friend who becomes an enemy, and tells of the quarrel to your shame. Another is a friend, a boon companion, who will not be with you when sorrow comes. When things go well, he is your other self, and lords it over your servants; But if you are brought low, he turns against you and avoids meeting you. Keep away from your enemies; be on your guard with your friends.

A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure. A faithful friend is beyond price; no sum can balance his worth. A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds; For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.
Sirach 6:6-17

We’ll continue our discussion of intimacy and boundaries tomorrow.

**Novena Prayer**

**Jesus says:** “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”
**Pier Giorgio responds:** I beg you to pray for me a little, so that God may give me an iron will that does not bend and does not fail in His projects.
**Let us Pray:** Blessed Pier Giorgio, lead me in the path of purity, for only those who are clean of heart can behold God’s face. Help me to be faithful to the covenant I have made with God in Baptism, that I may always be loyal to His command and thus offer Him sincere worship. Show me by your life how to be single hearted and completely, unswervingly, dedicated to proclaiming the Kingdom of God here on earth.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is pure love and holiness, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (for the grace to see others as jewels and not as tools – to serve them and love them with the heart of Christ.)
*A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter*

Make it My Own

Daily Discernment Workbook

BRAIN STORM

1. What’s My Definition of Friendship?

We have a hard time defining friendship because it’s something we recognize at the gut level. Few of us have really thought it through. Even so, we do have particular traits we look for – creativity, a sense of humor, an easy-going attitude, an air of self-confidence. What matters most to me in friendships? The list below helps me consider my own priorities…

A friend is someone I click with, feel comfortable being around and can be totally myself with.