Day 62. The Faithful Friend

*You don't need everyone to love you, Phin. Just a few good people!*
Charity Barnum, The Greatest Showman, 20th Century Studios 2017

We left off yesterday in describing the faithful friend. The key distinction made in the passage from Sirach is the great differences between acquaintances, friends (what I have called familiar friends) and confidant (faithful friends). You can be known by many, it says, but you should trust very few, “one in a thousand.”

Friendship is much misunderstood today. Sirach reminds us, though, that this confusion is nothing new. How often do we mistake friendship for “the people I like to hang out with?” Like my shopping friends or my drinking friends or my watching football friends? Think about it honestly (without the sentimentality). Which of these friends could you call “a sturdy shelter” or a “life-saving remedy?” Who will be with you when you experience real need? Who will go the distance?

As I have studied friendship, I have found noted authors saying the same thing. Friendship, they observe, is the most misunderstood of all human relationships. It is a mystery even to the person who has many good friends. Why do I choose this person as friend and not that one? Or why is it that when I look for friends I can’t find any, but when I’m not looking, they seem to come effortlessly? One reason is that friendship, by its very nature, is not self-conscious, nor self-serving. It emerges out of a shared insight or interest, a common pursuit, or a pleasant collaboration. As soon as my friend and I start talking about “what great friends we are” the friendship begins to die. It only grows stronger when we speak little of it but simply share it.

C.S. Lewis describes this in his book The Four Loves. “That is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question ‘Do you see the same truth?’ would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend,’ no Friendship can arise – though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers” [1].

There are numerous false expectations that our society cultivates about friendship. One is the myth of “many friends” also known as the Facebook fallacy. It goes something like this: the more popular I am; the more friends I have, the happier I will feel. How ironic it is that the one who has many friends is often the most empty inside. Left alone for even a half hour, he or she turns to distractions and amusements to avoid facing the aching inner loneliness that none of those friendships can displace. “Those who have many friends,” said Aristotle, “and treat everyone as close to them seem to be friends to no one, except in a fellow-citizen's way” [2].

Another myth of friendship is the idea that it is exclusive. Only spousal love, eros, can be exclusive. Friendship, by striking contrast, delights in multiplication. Again, Lewis says it well. Eros, he observes, “is necessarily between two only. But two, far from being the necessary number for Friendship, is not even the best. And the reason for this is important.” He continues, “if, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A but ‘A’s part in C,’ while C loses not only A but ‘A’s part in B.’ In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets” [3].

As we reflect on friendship, we must consider further that our Temple of Relationships is for the purpose of glorifying God. Therefore, our closest friends will share a love for the Lord. Does this mean non-Christians and unbelievers have no place among our friends? No. Ironically we may find that even atheists can become cherished companions (and may be more faithful than some of our professing Christian friends!) Still, as we allow people more deeply into shared intimacy, we will find that faith matters.

Since friendship flourishes where there is a shared vision and experience of reality (though friends can also delight in each others’ differences – which is useful fuel for much kidding and laughter!), an agreement on the primary place of God and the priority of his glory is a most compelling forum for friendship. I experienced this most notably at one point in my life. After years of studying and working in New York, I came to discover a group of Christians with whom I found, in the span of only a few weeks, a deeper friendship than with other non-Christian friends whom I had known for over seven years. Our shared love for the Lord gave us access to a relationship that was surprisingly deep in relatively little time. Those friendships have continued to flourish while the others have gradually faded away.

One final myth – and this from sacred, rather than secular sources: affectionate friendship is something we should need less as we move closer to God. The experience of many saints contradicts this idea. St. Teresa of Avila was very affectionate with her friends. Her letters demonstrate a generous heart for those whom she served and who served her (especially as spiritual directors). Still, she too expresses the truth we have already observed: spiritual friendship must have its basis in Christ. “I have never again been able to tie myself to any friendship or to find consolation in or bear particular love for any other persons than those I understand love Him and strive to serve Him; nor is it in my power to do so, nor does it matter whether they are friends or relatives” [4].

From among our faithful friends, we will choose a best friend. This one person will be closest to my heart. So close, in fact, that a spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend can become jealous. Still it is an important relationship – one that should not be sacrificed even for the primary and exclusive love of the spouse. My best friend makes me more than I would be otherwise. Refreshed through our mutual enjoyment, we return to our other relations better able to serve and to love. The lover, who destroys his or her partners’ relationship with a best friend, unwittingly destroys an important part of the partner as well. It is sad that this happens so very often.

We stand back now to look at the pattern of relationships that is coming to light. We have approached the places most proximate to the veil of our inner sanctuary. And we can see that friendship, in its fullest expression, becomes a shared contemplation of the Ark where the Lord reigns at the center of our Temple.

Make it My Own

Daily Discernment Workbook

BREAK OPEN YOUR BIBLE

1. David and Jonathan – Best Friends

The Bible presents us with a remarkable friendship between two warriors of ancient Israel. Jonathan was the son of King Saul, while David was chosen by God to replace Saul and reign over Israel. Despite the conflict, they were the closest of friends until separated by death. Draw a line between the passage to the left and the lesson about friendship it gives on the right.

A. I Samuel 23:14:16	1. A friend protects his friend from enemies, even when the enemy is his own father!
B. 1 Samuel 20:12, 13	2. The love of a true friend is stronger even than romantic love.
C. 1 Samuel 20:17	3. Friends can cry and embrace in great love without any selfish motives.
D. 1 Samuel 18:4, 5	4. A friend loves his friend as his very self.
E. 1 Samuel 20:40-42	5. A friend gives his prized possessions to his friend.
F. 2 Samuel 1:26	6. Friends strengthen each others’ resolve in the Lord.

What lessons about David and Jonathan’s friendship can I apply in my own life?

WORLD VIEWS

2. Confessions of a Social Media Fatalist

What advice would I give a friend who says to me:

Social media is a black hole that eats up all my time! Tweets, posts, and obsessing over who and how many respond, what to ‘like’ and whether that will offend the friend I didn’t ‘like’? If I’m not on it I feel like I’m missing out. But when I’m on it, I feel like I’m wasting so much time. I used to really enjoy scrolling through my feeds, but lately it’s just too much!

My reply:

SAINTS SAID IT

St. Augustine on Friendship

To make conversation, to share a joke, to perform mutual acts of kindness, to read together well-written books, to share in trifling and in serious matters, to disagree though without animosity – just as a person debates with himself – and in the very rarity of disagreement to find the salt of normal harmony, to teach each other something or to learn from one another, to long with impatience for those absent, to welcome them with gladness on their arrival. These and other signs come from the heart of those who love and are loved and are expressed through the mouth, through the tongue, through the eyes, and a thousand gestures of delight, acting as fuel to set our minds on fire and out of many to forge unity. This is what we love in friends.
St. Augustine [5]

List friends I’ve known that were like these.

As I get older, do I find my close friendships becoming more numerous or less so? Why do I think this is?

[0] lead quote - The Greatest Showman, motion picture, 20th Century Studios 2017

[1] C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, pp. 66, 67

[2] Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, 1171a

[3] Loves p. 61

[4] The Life, Spiritual Testimonies and Soliloquies, St. Teresa of Avila, ch. 24 no. 6

[5] Saint Augustine, Confessions, tr. by Henry Chadwick, Oxford University Press, 1992, p. 60f

All Scripture quotes from the New American Bible, unless otherwise specified

Answer Key for #1: A6; B1; C4; D5; E3; F2

Novena Prayer

Make it My Own

Day 61. Letting Others In

Day 63. Soul Mates and High Priests