Day 63. Soul Mates and High Priests
I'm almost 100% sure that Lafonda is my soul mate. I'm sure there’s a soul mate for you too, Napoleon.
Kip, Napolean Dynamite
From among our faithful friends we hope to one day select a spouse – though the connection between friend and lover is by no means a direct one. Lovers may emerge from among our friends but they may also appear unexpectedly on the scene. One day you were lamenting to a confidant that there is, after all, “nobody out there for me,” and then, there he or she is! A new co-worker. A friend of a friend. A random meeting at an airport commiserating about a delayed flight. Love (we never tire of seeing it) happens.
It is such a strong feeling in its early stages that love – this love – seems as if it were written into our very souls from the beginning. And yet how can it be? If we are all free persons equipped by God to make choices about the One we’ll spend our lives with, can we assign to God (or to “the stars” or to “destiny,” “fate,” etc.) all the credit? We are, it is important to keep in mind, active participants in the selection of a life-long partner. And the less illusions we have about “soul mates” or “destiny” the better we will be able to evaluate this particular person’s merits and limitations.
This is very hard to see, especially for we who have been indoctrinated by Hollywood. Being in love with your potential spouse is not the same as loving your potential spouse. The first can come fairly early in a relationship; the second only comes over time. The first, though it feels eternal, is, in fact, fleeting. The second, though it holds few of the intense emotions we mistake for “love,” goes the distance. Loving is a far more mature and desirable state than being in love for discerning a spouse, as even secular sources observe [1].
I’m not disparaging the experience of being in love. But it is a blessing that comes with a severe liability. It often blinds us to reality. And if in the heat of our passions we discard chastity and plunge into sexual activity prior to the exchange of vows, the blindness becomes total. Is this person the One? You think so. But if the person is selfish, stupid, arrogant or immature, you’ll be in no position to perceive it. Not until it’s too late. As the bumper sticker says, “If love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.”
If we are called to marriage, God may certainly have a hand in the partner whom we ultimately choose, but it remains a choice that is all ours. So we can’t look back later and say, “Oops, I got the wrong one.” You can see how the “soul mate” myth leaves you vulnerable to future second-guessing. Every relationship has dry times and many have periods where, quite honestly, you wonder if you made the right choice. Only the assurance that it was indeed your choice – with the sacramental promise of God’s support – will help you through such times.
Much more can be said (has been said!) about dating and marriage, but such is not the focus of this novena. Instead, our objective is to place spousal love within the context of our temple of relationships and to make observations about the image that begins to emerge.
In our temple of relationships, “the One” who is our spouse will take their singular and exclusive place before the veil. In the Temple of Jerusalem, this privileged place of access was assigned to the High Priest. He alone could enter the Holy of Holies and offer sacrifice for the people once a year on the Day of Atonement (Lev. 16:2, 32-34). We read in the letter to the Hebrews that in the heavenly temple it is Jesus who penetrates the veil of the celestial debir to offer the sacrifice of his own body, his own perfect self-gift, to the Father on our behalf (Heb. 9:11,12).
Jesus is, then, the true and definitive High Priest. All other priesthood is authenticated only insofar as it is a sharing in the primary priesthood of Christ. This is true for the temple of your relationships as well. No other relationship can surpass the roll of Jesus as High Priest of your body-temple. He is the preeminent mediator between your person and the Father. If he is not firmly established as the First all other relationships will gradually crumble. In the words of the Gospel we must have a love for Jesus that is so ardent and singular that all other loves, no matter how dear, are “hatred” by comparison (Lk. 14:26).
Still, Jesus permits for husbands and wives a participation in his role as priest and mediator since, “the priesthood of Christ is shared in various ways both by the ministers and by the faithful” [2]. It is they, rather than the priest, who confer the sacrament of matrimony on each other at the wedding [3]. Their family becomes a “domestic church” [4]. “In effect, the baptismal priesthood of the faithful, exercised in the sacrament of marriage, constitutes the basis of a priestly vocation and mission for the spouses and family by which their daily lives are transformed into ‘spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ’” [5].
We noted earlier that the exchange of gifts marked the transition from acquaintance to friend. At the heart of the temple in the communion of spouses we find a much deeper exchange: the sharing of a name. When the High Priest penetrated the veil on the Day of Atonement, he spoke the name of the Lord: Yahweh. With the mutual penetration of the spouses into deepest intimacy with one another a sharing of names – of identities – is also effected.
A spouse will be my other self. Without blurring or loss of our distinct personalities, we will share our identity. “The two shall become one flesh” (Mt. 19:6). Our bodies will become each others’ property, in a very real sense: “A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife” (1 Cor. 7:4).
Indeed, spousal access inside the veil includes a physical dimension. Within the covenant of marriage, the partners grant access to one another physically in the act of sexual union. The Lord’s presence in this deep sharing is affirmed by the couple through an openness to his gift of new life. The lovers offer to each other the gift of themselves. They receive from God the blessing of their mutual self-gift in a deeper unity and in the gift of life. Not every sexual act is blessed by God with this gift. Nevertheless, the couple is solemnly charged with the responsibility to enter every sexual encounter ready and willing to become parents.
Fruitfulness is beautiful. That’s the surprising claim here, echoed by poets, artists and lovers throughout human history. Only in our modern day has the spreading fragrance of love, its hidden power to be unlocked in marriages open to life, been turned into a problem to be solved or a disease to be medicated. In stark contrast, the Bible offers this vision of the beloved.
A garden locked is … my bride, a spring locked, a fountain sealed. Your shoots are an orchard of pomegranates with all choicest fruits, henna with nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, with all choice spices - a garden fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon. Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow" (Songs 4:12-16). [6]
A future spouse will share with Jesus access to the deepest part of me, that inner garden of fruitful self-gift. He or she will serve as steward and guardian of my vital inner communion of Ark and Altar. It’s a role that will affect my eternal salvation. I can afford to be choosy, and to take my time with anyone who seeks access within the veil.
Time. That’s probably the most important aspect of intimacy we’ve encountered. Tomorrow we’ll give it further consideration.
Novena Prayer
Jesus says: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”
Pier Giorgio responds: I beg you to pray for me a little, so that God may give me an iron will that does not bend and does not fail in His projects.
Let us Pray: Blessed Pier Giorgio, lead me in the path of purity, for only those who are clean of heart can behold God’s face. Help me to be faithful to the covenant I have made with God in Baptism, that I may always be loyal to His command and thus offer Him sincere worship. Show me by your life how to be single hearted and completely, unswervingly, dedicated to proclaiming the Kingdom of God here on earth.
Blessed Pier Giorgio, I ask for your intercession in obtaining from God, Who is pure love and holiness, all the graces necessary for my spiritual and temporal welfare. I confidently turn to you for help in my present need: (for the grace to see others as jewels and not as tools – to serve them and love them with the heart of Christ.)
A Book of Prayers in Honor of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, by Rev. Timothy E. Deeter
Make it My Own
Daily Discernment Workbook
A QUOTE TO NOTE
1. Three Secrets of True Love
So many people are looking for true love, but we have to stop and wonder: if we found it would we recognize it? There’s no end to the advice out there about how to find “true love,” but the best advice – who would believe it? - comes from the past two popes! Read the following passages and identify three secrets of True Love.
🙥 True Love Matures 🙧
Pope Benedict XVI in Deus Caritas Est
Feelings come and go. Feelings can be a marvelous first spark, but this is not the fullness of love. Earlier we spoke of the process of purification and maturation by which eros comes fully into its own, becomes love in the full meaning of the word. It is characteristic of mature love that it calls into play all man's potentialities; it engages the whole man, so to speak… This process is always open-ended; love is never “finished” and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself. Idem velle atque idem nolle —to want the same thing, and to reject the same thing—was recognized by antiquity as the authentic content of love: the one becomes similar to the other, and this leads to a community of will and thought [7].
[note the word “sentiments” was replaced with the word “feelings”
What characterizes false love, according to Pope Benedict?
What, on the other hand, is the third secret of True Love? I put this in my own words…
Note: The following two quotes are paraphrased to aid the reader in understanding.
🙥 True Love shows Goodwill 🙧
St. John Paul II in Love and Responsibility
In goodwill it is not enough for me to long for a person who will be a “good” for me, I must also, and above all, long for that person's good.
There is more to goodwill than a tangle of emotional desires. It isn’t just that John wants his relationship with Barbara to be something that's good for both of them so that Barbara will be a greater benefit for John. Goodwill is quite free of self-interest, the traces of which can easily be seen when love is built on desire. Goodwill is the same as selflessness in love: not 'I long for you as something good for me' but 'I long for your good', 'I long for that which is good for you'. The person of goodwill longs for this with no selfish ulterior motive, no personal consideration. Love as goodwill, amor benevolentiae, is therefore love in a more unconditional sense than love as desire. It is the purest form of love. Goodwill brings us as close to the 'pure essence' of love as it is possible to get. Such love does more than any other to perfect the person who experiences it. It brings both the lover and the beloved the greatest fulfillment [8].
Do I understand what St. John Paul means by “goodwill”? In my own words, it means…
How would I recognize the false love of “I want you because you’re good for me” in my own heart?
🙥 True Love Trusts 🙧
St. John Paul II in Love and Responsibility
So then, if both the man and the woman put their whole heart into their relationship - into their reciprocal love - and if it is good, virtuous love, then their relationship is stable and dependable. Then you can trust your companion with freedom from suspicion and jealousy. Trust is critical to "true love." To be able to rely on someone as a friend who will never prove false is a source of peace and joy. Peace and joy are at the heart of true love.
If, on the other hand, what both persons bring to their mutual love is only or mainly desire, if their aim is merely to use each other, to seek pleasure, then they will fail in their attempts to find true love. It is impossible for you to trust somebody when you know that his or her whole focus is on how much pleasure he/she derives from you. It is equally impossible to trust a person if your attitude toward them is the same. This is where love as a shared experience takes its revenge. All it takes is either partner's selfish intentions to shipwreck the relationship in countless petty jealousies and suspicions. No doubt human weakness is prone to jealousy, but people who in spite of their weakness bring an honest desire for each other's good to their love relationship are on more solid footing. Their love is imperfect but nonetheless real. Sharing their lives gives them many opportunities to show good faith and to grow in virtue. Life together becomes a school of perfection.
It is difficult, however, when each or for that matter either of the persons brings to their mutual love only a "consumer attitude" - an intention to use the other. A woman and a man can give each other sexual pleasure, but mere sensual enjoyment doesn’t keep people together for long. If their mutual love depends merely on pleasure or self-interest, they will be together only so long as they remain a source of pleasure for each other.
How does love based only on desire undermine trust?
Have I ever mistaken mere desire (“I love the way you make me feel.”) for True Love (“I love you for who you are.”)?
Conclude with
“Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now, and ever shall be.
World without end, Amen.”
[0] - lead quote - Napolean Dynamite, Motion Picture, dir. by Jared Hess, Paramount Pictures, Searchlight Pictures, 2004
[1] An example of secular voices is found in this from the Boston Globe. “In today’s culture, romantic love is associated with stomach butterflies, loss of appetite, daydreaming, feelings of elation and euphoria, and intense anxiety when separated. Triggered by physiological arousal, it is lust clothed in a more romantic silk. And, like winning the lottery or achieving the American dream, romantic love may happen just often enough to persuade us that it is indeed possible for the rest of us. However, marriage and partnerships ought to be viewed as a more basic cotton cloth woven from a more practical bolt.” Singled Out, Boston Globe, 8/04/02, D1
[2] Lumen Gentium, Dogmatic Constitution on the Church, #62, Second Vatican Council, 1964
[3] Catechism of the Catholic Church #1623
[4] ibid. #1657
[5] St. John Paul II, Familiaris Constortio, The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, #59, Apostolic Exhortation, 1981
[6] Song of Solomon, quoted from English Standard Version, Catholic Edition, 2017 Crossway, Good News Publishers.
[7] Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est, God is Love, #17, 2005
[8] St. John Paul II [Karol Wojtyla], Love and Responsibility, p. 83
[9] ibid. pp. 91-93